Communication styles according to Schulz von Thun

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The German communication psychologist Friedemann Schulz von Thun developed eight communication and interaction styles in his work Talking Together 2 (1989) .

Basic idea

Schulz von Thun identifies ideal communication styles that are associated with certain personality components. He assumes that most people combine tendencies of different styles in their personal communication style.

Each style describes a certain way of speaking and dealing with other people and has its strengths and weaknesses. According to Schulz von Thun, there is no ideal form of communication that is recommended to everyone. To decide which communication behavior is advisable in each case, two components must be considered. The first element is the context of the situation , ie the previous history, those present and their relationship to one another, as well as the objective of the situation. The second concerns the personality of the agent. The communication behavior to be recommended must match it, otherwise it will look fake.

Eight communication styles based on F. Schulz von Thun

The needy-dependent style

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This style of communication aims to get help and support from others. On the other hand, the needy person presents himself as weak, helpless and unable to survive on his own. On the other hand, he gives his fellow men the feeling of being strong and competent.

Possible origin

This style may have evolved because the needy was not trusted and overprotected as a child. It is possible that the child has not been cared for enough and is now trying to catch up on this care as an adult. The role model of the “ weaker sex ” can also have an influence on the development of this style .

Interaction with others

The needy is typically related to the helping or distancing style. In the first constellation, protégé and helper seem to complement each other well. The problem is that the needy becomes more and more helpless and their self-confidence continues to decline. In relation to the distancing style, the need of the dependent-needy is not met at all. That is why he will beg for help and care more and more.

Direction of development

One of the strengths of the dependent person is being able to ask other people for help and to be able to accept their help. Furthermore, the "whining" can serve to relieve him. Schulz von Thun names autonomy and personal responsibility for dependent people as the direction of development . A change in this direction can take place when the dependent person realizes that he is not only a passive victim, but can actively shape processes himself. He should also learn to specifically ask for help instead of presenting himself as fundamentally helpless.

The helping style

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The helping style is strong and resilient. These people are happy to offer help to others. By dealing with the weaknesses and problems of others, they can distract themselves from their own shortcomings and difficulties. They don't like to be confronted with the weak points of their personality.

Possible origin

Possibly the helper was left alone too much as a baby in his weakness and need. In order not to have to relive the pain of this experience , he now suppresses feelings of weakness and dependence. In addition, he has made the experience that he does not get love and recognition for his weak, but for his strong sides.

Interaction with others

In order to be able to live out his caring parts, the helper comes into relationship primarily with needy-dependent people. He encounters this z. B. in his "helping" profession (nursing, social work, medicine). There is a risk that he will become a latent accomplice to these people's problems. They only need his help as long as people have problems, which is why the helper subliminally motivates them not to solve their problems.

Direction of development

What the needy-dependent lacks, the helper has: He has enough self-confidence to take responsibility for himself and others on his own. However, he exaggerates autonomy and responsibility so far that he denies his own neediness. Therefore, the first step in development consists in recognizing one's own weakness and neediness, in order to communicate them to others in a second step and to ask for help if necessary. In contact with needy dependents, the helper must learn to separate themselves internally and trust them to take their own steps.

The self-less style

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The self-less personality portrays itself as unimportant and insignificant and thus devalues ​​itself. It only recognizes its usefulness when working for others. So that others do not reject him, the self-looser always wants to do what is expected of him and depends entirely on his counterpart. It often happens that he becomes the relieving object of others.

Possible origin

As a toddler, the self-looser was taught that he was not important, that it was not about him. In order to overcome the fear of exclusion, he began to define himself through others. In serving others, he got at least some recognition.

Interaction with others

Self-loosing partner is someone who enjoys having their ego strengthened. Because the self-looser makes himself small and idealizes his counterpart, his self-esteem can increase. A vicious circle can develop out of this relationship structure if the partner has aggressive-devaluing tendencies that are provoked by the self-less style.

Direction of development

The self-less style also has something positive at its core: It is the ability to surrender to other people that protects against a domineering egocentricity. The self-looser should try to gain a certain amount of self-assertion and self-respect. So he should z. B. learn to say "I" and "no".

The aggressive-devaluing style

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People with an aggressive-devaluing style rise above others. To justify this, they focus on their flaws and weaknesses. Once you have discovered this, use it to make your counterpart "small". This is done out of fear that one's own mistakes and weaknesses will be exposed. Secretly, the aggressively devaluing person has to fight with feelings of inferiority.

Possible origin

As a toddler, the aggressively devaluing person probably had to endure deeply hurtful humiliations and physical violence. In the rest of his life he would like to avoid coming back to the position of the weaker. Because of this, he humiliates others and does not admit weaknesses to himself in order to always be superior. Possibly the aggressively devaluing person shows self-less tendencies in contact with persons higher up in the hierarchy. He behaves submissively and accepts their mistakes. In order to save his self-esteem, he humiliates people who are subordinate to him in return.

Interaction with others

Typically, a person of the aggressive-devaluing style finds himself either in the interaction with an equally aggressive-devaluing partner or with a counterpart with selfless tendencies. In the first case, both try to gain the upper hand through targeted attacks on the other's weaknesses and insult each other. In the second case, the self-looser, through his tendency to make himself small, virtually challenges the aggression of the aggressively devaluing.

Direction of development

It is easy for the aggressively devaluing person to gain respect and to call critical things by their names. He can expand his behavioral repertoire positively if he learns to show respect to others and to show them praise and recognition. He can do this if he makes a conscious decision to only see the positive sides of the other from time to time.

The proven style

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Those who prove themselves are constantly fighting for their self-worth. As such, he does not consider himself particularly “high quality” and is therefore always trying to put himself in the right light. He wants to convince himself and his environment of his worth and receive praise and recognition for it. Maintaining his perfect facade costs him a lot of inner strength.

Possible origin

As a child, the prover did not feel loved for his own sake. Based on this feeling, combined with his own ambition, he began to show others that he is lovable because of his skills and successes.

Interaction with others

If there is contact between people of the proven communication style, there is an outward race to prove one's own competence. Inwardly, the pressure increases to cover up one's own weaknesses and mistakes and to “keep up”. But also a defensive reaction to the self-profiling of those who prove themselves promotes their pressure to perform. Because he has learned to overcome insecurities like this by highlighting his skills.

Direction of development

Those who prove themselves are not afraid of competitive situations and are aware of their own competencies. He is not inclined to “put his light under a bushel”. However, he could live a lot more relaxed if he admitted his own mistakes and weaknesses. If he dares to show his true "unvarnished" face, he opens up the chance to be loved for his own sake.

The determining-controlling style

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This style of communication is used to direct and control the environment, including those around you. The determining-controlling person sets up rules and demands that his interaction partners adhere to them. He wants to protect himself from unforeseen surprises, chaos and loss of control.

Possible origin

People who develop this style of communication were brought up and disciplined as children with strict rules. You have learned to keep all internal impulses strictly under control so as not to be punished. You have come to believe that internal and external chaos can only be avoided through self-discipline and strict rule monitoring.

Interaction with others

Especially people with needy-dependent or selfless tendencies welcome the clear statements of the determining-controlling person. His determination and reliability give them security, but they also become more and more dependent on him. If, on the other hand, the interaction partner of the determining-controlling person wishes for freedom and personal responsibility, he will rebel against the strict rules of the determining-controlling person and break them. What develops into a vicious circle, because the determining-controlling style of communication will react to this rule break with even stricter rules and prohibitions (e.g. "strict" parents vs. "rebellious" children).

Direction of development

The strengths of the dominant-controlling communication style are structure, planning, self-control and clarity. So that the determining-controlling person is not subject to a restrictive compulsion to control , he should try to develop the courage to be flexible, open and trust others.

The distancing style

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The distancing communication style is geared towards creating and maintaining the safety distance it requires. The distancing person is uncomfortable when other people come too close, both spatially and emotionally. He tends to look at everything from a factual, rational perspective.

Possible origin

The distancing person is afraid of becoming too dependent on another person and therefore prefers to distance himself from the start. The fear of addiction may have arisen because the (mostly male) child found it difficult to break away from its mother.

Interaction with others

Other people tend to perceive those who distance themselves to be arrogant and dismissive. He reacts to this with reluctance and rejection, which makes him feel uncomfortable and unwelcome and continues to withdraw. As a result, he becomes increasingly inexperienced in interpersonal contact. If another person confronts him with a pronounced need for closeness, the distancing person quickly feels pressured, which leads to him distancing himself further.

Direction of development

In the professional world, the ability to maintain interpersonal distance is an important qualification. However, members of the distancing communication style should occasionally allow authentic encounters from person to person in order not to be regarded as unapproachable and incomprehensible. When working in teams, such a person should also learn to get involved with his colleagues and to endure a certain dependence on them. Furthermore, the person distancing himself should practice speaking about his own feelings about himself and others.

The communicative, dramatic style

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A person who tends towards the communicative-dramatizing style of communication loves to talk about himself. Exciting things always happen to her, which she tells in the most dazzling colors and catapults herself into the center of attention. Often their feelings don't seem real, but exaggerated. Although the communicative-dramatist tells a lot about himself, he does not reveal his true inner being.

Possible origin

Perhaps the communicative-dramatist was only noticed as a child if he drew attention to himself with all vehemence. He has learned to turn all quiet feelings and sensations into loud ones. It may also be difficult for the communicative and dramatist to come into contact with his own feelings. Instead, he stages himself and plays emotions in order to feel something and to become tangible for himself.

Interaction with others

First of all, those willing to communicate and dramatize often get recognition for their exciting stories and ideas. Over time, however, his interaction partners often feel degraded to interchangeable viewers. If they refuse to pay attention, this spurs those who are willing to communicate and dramatize to “turn it up” further and to push themselves even more into the foreground.

Direction of development

With the communicative, dramatic communication style, there is no boredom. This personality amuses other people with wit and charm. This strength finds its balance when the communicative-dramatist learns to develop a real interest in his interaction partner and can hold back at the right moment to get involved with the other person.

reception

At the German Institute of the University of Oldenburg , a project is taking place as part of teacher training and further education, which also includes teaching and testing the communication styles according to Schulz von Thun.

source

Web links

  • Communication styles ... or how do I talk to others . Communication and conflict training as part of teacher training and further education. University of Oldenburg. German studies comm project online.
  • Thomas Höfer: Interview with Prof. Dr. Friedemann Schulz von Thun Let's talk about it! PDF file. In: Personalführungplus '98, p. 4f (communication styles)