Talk to each other

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Talking to each other is a three-volume popular scientific work by communication psychologist Friedemann Schulz von Thun on the topics of communication disorders and clarifications (Volume 1), communication styles, values ​​and personality development (Volume 2) and the “inner team” and communication appropriate to the situation (Volume 3).

content

Graphic representation of the four-sided model

Part 1 - malfunctions and clarifications

The first book in the “Talking to Each Other” series is about building interpersonal communication. To do this, Schulz von Thun uses the four-sided model he developed to depict the anatomy of messages.

The book is divided into two parts; first the four sides are applied to the sender and the recipient of messages, respectively. In the second part, each of these pages is looked at separately and specific psychological problems that are typical for this page are dealt with.

Part 2 - styles, values ​​and personality development

In his second book, Schulz von Thun goes into the individual ways of communication between different people. To this end, he first introduces three tools at the beginning of his writing.

Tools

  • First he describes his four-page model again , but this time he no longer speaks of "self-revelation", but of "self-disclosure", as this is more neutral.
  • Furthermore, he integrates the vicious circle scheme that he developed with Christoph Thomann . This scheme illustrates the fact that personal idiosyncrasies in communication are not exclusively due to one's own personality, but can arise and be strengthened in relationships.
  • Finally, Schulz von Thun explains Paul Helwig's value and development square . Here it becomes clear that any virtue without its counterpart, which creates a dialectical tension, very easily mutates into a devaluing exaggeration ; thus austerity can easily turn into avarice without considering generosity. During the analysis, the scheme shows an opportunity for positive further development.

Communication styles

Schulz von Thun presents eight different styles of communication. However, he emphasizes that these appear in their pure form in the rarest of cases, but almost always mixed forms. He explains and analyzes the individual styles using the tools shown above.

  • The needy-dependent style
This style of communication aims to get help and support from others. Instead, he portrays himself as weak, helpless and not viable on his own. In contrast, he gives his counterparts the feeling of being strong and competent.
  • The helping style
The helping style presents itself as strong and resilient and is happy to offer help to other people. By dealing with the weaknesses and problems of others, he can distract himself from his own shortcomings and difficulties. He doesn't like to be confronted with the weak points of his personality.
  • The self-less style
The self-less style presents itself as unimportant and insignificant and thus devalues ​​itself. It only recognizes its usefulness when it is used for others. So that others don't reject him, he always wants to do what is expected of him and depends entirely on his counterpart. Often he charges himself for other burdens.
  • The aggressive-devaluing style
The aggressive-devaluing style rises above other people. To justify this, he focuses on the flaws and weaknesses of others. Once he has discovered this, he uses it to make his counterpart "small". This is done out of fear that his own faults and weaknesses will be exposed. Secretly, the aggressively devaluing person has to fight with feelings of inferiority.
  • The proven style
The proven style is constantly fighting for its self-worth. As such, he does not consider himself particularly “high quality” and is therefore always trying to put himself in the right light. He wants to convince himself and his environment of his worth and receive praise and recognition for it. Maintaining his perfect facade costs him a lot of inner strength.
  • The determining-controlling style
The determining-controlling style of communication wants to direct and control its environment including its fellow human beings. He creates rules and demands that his interaction partners adhere to them. He wants to protect himself from unforeseen surprises, chaos and loss of control.
  • The distancing style
The distancing communication style is geared towards creating and maintaining the safety distance it requires. The distancing one is uncomfortable when other people come too close, both spatially and emotionally. He tends to look at everything from a factually rational perspective.
  • The communicative, dramatic style
The communicative-dramatizing style of communication loves to speak of itself. Exciting things always happen to him, which he tells in the most dazzling colors and catapults himself into the center of attention. His feelings often do not seem real, but exaggerated. Although he talks a lot about himself, the communicative-dramatist does not let anyone get close to his true inner being.

Part 3 - The "inner team" and situation-appropriate communication

In the third volume, Schulz von Thun states that we are not a consistent, uniform personality, but that we carry different personality currents within us, which come to the fore in different degrees depending on the situation. He calls it the Inner Team . To illustrate this, he developed the six teachings from the Inner Team (these six teachings correspond to the respective chapter in the book):

  1. The doctrine of the inner plurality of people
    In the first chapter, the inner team is presented with its different voices, which often pull in very different directions.
  2. The doctrine of inner leadership
    Then it is shown that, as in every team, there is a team leader, also called the head, whose task it is to enable synergies and resolve internal conflicts.
  3. The teaching of “internal conflict management”
    Here it is shown that internal conflicts are unavoidable, but also how they can be recognized and resolved.
  4. The teaching of personality development
    In the fourth chapter, the formation of the team is presented. There are team members in the foreground, in the background and also in the underground.
  5. The teaching of the variation of internal constellations
    Depending on the situation, the constellation of the team is varied.
  6. The teaching of the salary of a situation
    Finally, it is explained whether the team constellation corresponds to the respective situation.

expenditure

  • Schulz von Thun, Friedemann: Talking to each other 1 - disturbances and clarifications. General psychology of communication . Rowohlt, Reinbek 1981, ISBN 3-499-17489-8 .
  • Schulz von Thun, Friedemann: Talking to each other 2 - styles, values ​​and personality development. Differential Psychology of Communication . Rowohlt, Reinbek 1989, ISBN 3-499-18496-6 .
  • Schulz von Thun, Friedemann: Talking to each other 3 - The "inner team" and communication appropriate to the situation. Communication, person, situation . Rowohlt, Reinbek 1998, ISBN 3-499-60545-7 .