What is inside of me

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What's in me (original title: A Song Only I Can Hear ) is a youth novel by the Australian writer Barry Jonsberg . It tells the story of thirteen year old Rob, who falls in love with a classmate he cannot reach and, under the guidance of an unknown SMS writer, begins to work on his own self-esteem in order to impress and win her over. Topics such as love , friendship and sexuality are dealt with.

A Song Only I Can Hear was published in English by George Allen & Unwin in 2018 and in German by Random House in 2019 . The book was translated into German by Ulla Höfker .

content

Thirteen-year-old Rob Fitzgerald wonders about love. He is determined to get to the bottom of her and learn more about her. Rob has every reason to be since he first looked at Destry Camberwick at school and immediately fell in love with her. He really wants to get her attention. However, his extreme shyness and recurring panic attacks thwart his plans. Even if he can confide in his parents, his best friend Andrew and his grandfather "Pop", he has to come up with a strategy for himself to win Destry over. So he, who is actually an unsportsmanlike guy, is the goalkeeper of his school in the annual game against the hostile private school St. Martin to impress Destry, and takes the hostile dog Dixie in the park to accidentally destroy Destry with her own dog to encounter.

In addition, he receives mysterious text messages from an anonymous person who knows Rob's feelings towards his classmate and who repeatedly presents him with new challenges. This should help him to get his panic attacks under control and to jump over his own shadow. For example, Rob appears on stage with a scene from Macbeth during a talent show at his school and protests against meat consumption with his best friend Andrew in front of their local supermarket. He spends a lot of time with his grandfather, who tells the boy a lot of previously unknown things about his past during the war and with Rob's grandmother. In addition, his grandfather experiences Rob's development up close and supports him in his brave actions, such as the protest in front of the supermarket.

When he suddenly dies while Rob is playing chess with him, the boy is devastated and forgets the many tests of courage and his crush Destry. Over time, he realizes that the thought of Destry no longer makes him nervous and that his heart no longer starts racing when someone mentions her name. On the day of the funeral, Rob learns from his grandfather's secret lover that they have sent him the test of courage. He also gets one last test of courage, which is that he should no longer hide the real self and show pride in his identity.

At the school's annual awards ceremony just before the summer holidays, Rob is given the prize for the best athletic performance, which is due to his brilliant performance at the football game. He is asked on stage and called 'Roberta' (“But we know him better than Rob Fitzgerald.”) If requested. It is only at this point in the novel that Rob reveals that he was born a girl and that he decided to have sex-change surgery at a young age. In a final conversation with Destry, Rob realizes that he no longer has any feelings for the girl and the two go their separate ways from then on.

At the end of the novel, Rob talks about his therapy sessions with the psychologist Mrs. Pritchett, who on the one hand praises his self-written story, but notes that many things are not telling the truth. For example, Rob's father and grandfather would not be so relaxed about the gender change and Rob would also portray the tolerance of his classmates a lot more positively than it really is. However, Rob tells his psychologist that he completely accepts himself and firmly believes in a world where people are more friendly and warm to each other. He leaves the therapy session feeling good and makes his way home listening to the music.

characters

main characters

Rob Fitzgerald

Rob is a reserved boy. He suffers from panic attacks and has great difficulty performing in front of people. His best friend Andrew is his only buddy, which is enough for him since Rob is not particularly extroverted. Born Roberta, he decided at a young age against the will of the family to have sex-change surgery. Since then, he has had to go through a lot, be it through the unacceptance of his father and grandfather or the mean comments from his classmates. That is why he has been visiting a psychologist for many years. However, Rob tells his story extremely positively and portrays the judgmental people in a more friendly and understanding way than they actually are, as he firmly believes in a tolerant world without hate. Rob falls in love with Destry, his new classmate, at first sight and tries everything to get her attention. During this process, he slowly but surely loses his panic of attention and becomes much more confident than before, until he finds that his feelings for Destry are waning. Although the original goal was not achieved in this way, Rob is proud of his own development and, following the recommendation of his sports teacher, decides to take part in the test matches for the national U16 soccer team.

Minor characters

Alan Patrick Fitzgerald

Alan is Rob's father. Rob describes his body as "a ball on a ball" (p. 7) because the round head, which resembles a bowling ball, sits on the spherical upper body like a snowman. Alan is "balding and having a bigger chin than usual" (p. 8). He cannot deal with the transsexuality of his child right from the start and does not hide it from Rob or other people. Alan is a keen golfer, but is more bad than good at the sport. He occasionally brings his son out on the course so that he can push his golf cart for him.

Mrs. Fitzgerald

Mrs. Fitzgerald, whose first name Rob does not mention, is Alan's wife and Rob's mother. He describes her as loving and supportive in many ways, but she is also strict and does not tolerate many of her son's actions, for example his protest in front of the supermarket. Mrs. Fitzgerald believes Rob shouldn't spend so much time with his grandfather, as she thinks he has a bad influence on Rob, for example regarding vegetarianism. She also says that young men should rather spend time with journeymen of the same age than spend their free time in retirement homes.

Patrick 'Pop' Fitzgerald

Rob's grandfather claims of himself to be older than Adam and Eve. Rob describes it as "a collection of wrinkles in a nest of shades of gray" (p. 19). After he fought in the war and still has scars on his skin and soul from these experiences, he is now too old to live alone. For this reason, the man lives in a sheltered dormitory for senior citizens, which he himself describes as a “place where a bunch of old farts hang around and wait to die” or “God's living room” (p. 19). Rob describes his grandfather as a cursing but honest man to get used to. Although Patrick finds it difficult to deal with his grandson's transsexuality, he wants to support him and does so with the help of his lover Agnes, who also lives in the dormitory. He dies in the course of history.

Andrew Harris

Andrew is Rob's best friend. He's athletic and popular with the girls, which is why Rob doesn't always understand why, being the complete opposite of Andrew, he's his best buddy. He supports Rob wherever he can and, for example, practices playing football with him until the first successes can be seen. He also takes part in Rob's protest in front of the supermarket. Nevertheless, he leaves Rob alone in certain situations, such as the grief phase after his grandfather's death. He can feel when Rob really needs help and when he prefers to take matters into his own hands.

Destry Camberwick

Destry moves from Western Australia and joins Rob's class, who falls in love with her and can only describe it with the word "perfect" (p. 24). Although, according to him, she does not notice Rob at the beginning of the story, she is impressed by his brave actions a short time later and tells her friend Justin about her new classmate who attracts attention. After school, she often takes her dog for walks in the park. When Destry learns from Rob's grandfather that the boy has fallen in love with her, she does not act for the time being. She knows he's transgender from the start and, towards the end, decides to kiss Rob even though she has a boyfriend. She justifies this by saying that she has always wanted to do this.

Daniel Smith

Daniel is a - ultimately imaginary - school enemy of Rob. He is a bit fuller in a stocky manner and “muscular with red hair that sticks out in all directions” (p. 15). He tries not to let his small size be noticed by harassing his classmates. He harasses Rob by constantly threatening him with beating. Daniel uses him in his story on behalf of all children who have annoyed him for his transsexuality.

Book edition

  • Barry Jonsberg: What's inside me: Dream big. Have courage. And don't let yourself be disturbed. cbj, Munich 2019, ISBN 978-3-570-16553-9 (to be published in September).

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