The Austere Academy

The Austere Academy

Author	Lemony Snicket (pen name of Daniel Handler
Illustrator	Brett Helquist
Cover artist	Brett Helquist
Country	United States
Language	English
Series	A Series of Unfortunate Events
Genre	Novel
Publisher	HarperCollins
Publication date	August 31, 2000
Media type	Print (Hardback & Paperback)
Pages	221 pp (first edition, hardback)
ISBN	ISBN 0064408639 (first edition, hardback)
Preceded by	The Miserable Mill
Followed by	The Ersatz Elevator

The Austere Academy is the fifth novel in a series by Lemony Snicket, A Series of Unfortunate Events.

Plot summary

Template:Spoiler The book begins with the Baudelaire orphans and Mr. Poe on the grounds outside of the school, Prufrock Preparatory School (Prufrock Prep. for short). Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire meet Carmelita Spats, a rude girl who calls the Baudelaires "cakesniffers". Mr. Poe tells the children to go to Vice Principal Nero's office. On their way there, they notice the schools' motto: Memento Mori (Remember You Will Die).

They soon meet Vice Principal Nero. He explains the rules of Prufrock Prep., and tells them that his advanced computer system will keep their enemy, Count Olaf, away. He also tells them about the fine dormitories they have, but that unless students have parental permission, they must sleep in a tin shack (known as the Orphan's Shack). He considers himself to be a genius, and thinks that he plays the violin well, but in fact he is stupid and arrogant, and cannot play the violin at all.

The Baudelaires find that the shack is crawling with crabs, dripping fungus and has horrible wall paper (green with pink hearts). The orphans then go to lunch, where two women with metal masks serve them their food. Carmelita Spats mocks them again as they try to sit down. They are somewhat rescued by Duncan and Isadora Quagmire. The Quagmires tell about themselves. They are in a similar situation to that of the Baudelaires. They are triplets, but their brother, Quigley Quagmire, died in a fire along with their parents. They, like the Baudelaires, were left an enormous fortune (in the form of sapphires). Duncan would like to be a journalist, and Isadora is a competent poet (particularly in the form of couplets). They both have notebooks, which they use often. They become good friends with the Baudelaires.

Violet's teacher, Mr. Remora, is a man who tells very short, dull stories while eating bananas, and the children take notes. Klaus's teacher, Mrs. Bass, has an irritating obsession with the metric system. She makes her students measure countless objects, then she writes the measurements on the board. Because Prufrock Prep doesn't have a class for babies, Sunny becomes Nero's administrative assistant.

They are then introduced to Coach Genghis. The Baudelaires immediately recognize him as Count Olaf in disguise, but pretend not to recognize him. He makes an unusual remark about how orphans have stronger legs. Then they all rush to the auditorium to listen to Vice Principal Nero's daily concert, where they are forced, along with the rest of the school, to listen to his violin playing. At the concert, the Baudelaires decide that they will go to Vice Principal Nero's office the next day to drop hints about Olaf. However, when they attempt to do this, Count Olaf enters. The Baudelaires try to jokingly unmask him, but he eludes them.

At lunch, Carmelita Spats delivers the message that the Baudelaires are to meet Coach Genghis on the front lawn at sundown. Olaf makes them paint a circle, and then run "Special Orphan Running Exercises" (S.O.R.E.) laps around the luminous circle at night, for nine days. As the Baudelaires run the laps, they become tired. This causes Violet and Klaus to fail their tests, being too exhausted to be able to tell one end of a metric ruler from another. Sunny is unable to find any staples.

Vice Principal Nero tells the children that if they keep failing their tests, they are going to be tutored by Coach Genghis, and that Sunny will be fired. He says that they will have extra-hard comprehensive exams the next morning. He also demands that they give him candy and give Carmelita earrings, in recompense for their bad behaviour.

The Quagmires disguise themselves as the Baudelaires, get a sack of flour to represent Sunny, and do the exercises for them so that the Baudelaires can study and make staples. The Quagmires leave their notebooks, known as commonplace books, with Violet and Klaus so that they can study. Violet invents a staple-making device (using a small crab, a potato, metal rods, creamed spinach, and a fork) and makes staples while Klaus reads the notebooks.

The next morning, Vice Principal Nero and the two teachers (Mr. Remora and Mrs. Bass) come to the Orphans Shack. They test Violet and Klaus, and give Sunny a stack of papers to staple. Then Coach Genghis arrives. He discovers, by trying to kick Sunny, that the Sunny has been substituted with a sack of flour. Olaf uncovers the Quagmires' disguises as a result, and gives them canteen duty. The orphans, unable to stand it any longer, attempt to reveal that Coach Genghis is Count Olaf. About that time, Mr. Poe comes to deliver the candy and earrings. Vice Principal Nero tells him that the orphans have been caught cheating, and announces that the Baudelaires are going to be expelled.

The Baudelaires tell Mr. Poe that Coach Genghis is Count Olaf. Count Olaf runs out of the shack, and as the orphans look under the arch, they see him kidnapping the Quagmires. The two lunch ladies with metal masks are revealed as being Count Olaf's assistants, the white faced women, when they remove their masks. The orphans see Olaf's assistants shoving the Quagmires into an old car. Before they close the door, Duncan yells to the Baudelaires "Look in the notebooks! V.F.D.!". The orphans are then taken away to be placed with another guardian.

Cover images

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  US cover
• UK cover
  UK cover