Couple conflict

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The couple conflict describes a theory for the interaction between couples, which is characterized by opposites, their causes and their conflict resolution. Karl Lenz (2009) is based on a definition by the authors Galena Kline, Nicole Pleasant, Sarah Whitton and Howard Markman (2006):

A couple conflict is thus defined as "an interaction between people who express opposing interests, views or opinions (...) or (...) as an interaction in which the partners have 'incompatible goals'".

Assessments of conflicts in partnerships

Rainer Sachse does not value conflicts from the outset as a sign of a bad relationship, but rather as an expression of individuality or of the relationship itself. According to Guy Bodenmann, conflicts are inevitable in close relationships.

The decisive factor is how to deal with conflicts that can be carried out constructively or destructively. Conflicts are only problematic as soon as they occur frequently and have a destructive effect (destructive conflict interaction).

For the self-image of a couple, it is important whether they can resolve conflicts - Bodenmann uses the term self-efficacy in this context - and whether the resulting solutions take into account the interests of both partners.

Conflicts are not only important for those affected. When couples have children, there are additional aspects. Children learn from their parents how conflicts can be resolved and difficulties overcome ( model learning ). They try out these conflict resolution models in everyday life with their peers. They are internalized and used habitually in adulthood (e.g. in a partnership).

False conflict

According to Lewis Coser (1965), conflicts can arise whose causes do not lie in the relationship between two conflict partners themselves. The reasons for this are tensions that build up outside the relationship, but which later lead to conflicts between the partners or are discharged there. The conflict partner serves as a "lightning rod". Coser called these conflicts spurious conflicts.

Conflict issues

L. Schindler, K. Hahlweg and D. Revenstorf were able to determine typical conflict issues in partnerships and their frequency in a comparative study with the participants in couples therapy and a control group. The conflicts between partners have to do with content u. a. Sex life, affection as a partner, situations of jealousy, money, upbringing children, organization of leisure time and relatives (e.g. in-laws). Unhappy and happy couples quarrel over the same issues. In both groups, sex life is the most likely to lead to conflict.

In another study with participants in couples therapy, participants from a counseling group with integrated research, and participants from a control group with happy couples, they found that unhappy couples are much more likely to have conflicts. These solidified so that they repeat themselves over and over again.

The interaction of couples in a conflict

John Gottman , relationship researcher and founder of couples therapy, was able to identify exemplary social interaction processes in problematic topics as part of his couple research . These are very different for satisfied and dissatisfied couples. He was able to identify components of interaction in satisfied couples that counteract the emergence of conflict and in this way stabilize relationships. Satisfied couples approach each other again and again in difficult conversational situations. Gottman called this "repairs". Such can e.g. B. the "assumption of responsibility". One of the partners expresses that he perceives his part in the conflict and is responsible. Overall, he found that happy couples value one another, listen to one another and negotiate constructively. Dissatisfied couples, on the other hand, cannot correct or positively change the course of the destructive conversation. They interrupt each other and disagreement quickly leads to arguments. Based on this knowledge, Gottman developed targeted intervention programs for prevention and couples therapy.

Ending the conflict

There are different ways to end conflicts in close relationships:

  • Because one (or both partners) withdraws from the conflict (separation), the conflict is ended for the time being and an expansion is prevented.
  • One of the partners asserts his goals against the other. There is a winner and a defeated, or a triumph and a failure (victory and defeat / domination).
  • Both parties to the conflict are not making any headway and realize that it makes no sense to continue arguing. The conflict remains unsolved and is suspended for the time being. It remains uncertain what will happen to the conflict (stalemate / tie).
  • The partners end the conflict. Both express that they have gone too far. The purposeful aspirations are diminished. The partners discuss and find a solution (compromise).

literature

  • Lewis A. Coser: Theory of Social Conflict. VS Verlag für Sozialwissenschaften, Wiesbaden 2009. ISBN 978-3-531-16582-0
  • Guy Bodenmann: Textbook Clinical Couple and Family Psychology. Verlag Hans Huber, Hogrefe, Bern 2016. ISBN 978-3-456-85620-9
  • John Gottman, Nan Silver: The Measurement of Love. Trust and betrayal in couple relationships. Klett-Cotta-Verlag, Stuttgart 2014. ISBN 978-3-608-94810-3
  • L. Schindler, K. Hahlweg, D. Revenstorf: Relationship problems : diagnosis and therapy (2nd edition) . Springer, Berlin 1998 ISBN 3-540-62938-6
  • Karl Lenz: Sociology of the two-way relationship. An introduction. VS Verlag für Sozialwissenschaften, Wiesbaden 2009. ISBN 978-3-531-15810-5
  • Donald R. Peterson: Conflict in: HH Kelley et al .: Close Relationships. New York, 1983. ISBN 0-7167-1442-6
  • Christian Roesler: Couple problems and couples therapy. Kohlhammer, Stuttgart 2018. ISBN 978-3-17-029775-3
  • Rainer Sachse: Conflict and Dispute. How we deal with them constructively, Springer, Berlin. 2017. ISBN 978-3-662-49863-7

Web links

Individual evidence

  1. ^ Karl Lenz: Sociology of the two-way relationship. An introduction. Wiesbaden: VS publishing house for social sciences. 2009, p. 136 .
  2. ^ Galena H. Kline, Nicole D. Pleasant, Sarah W. Whitton, Howard J. Markman: Understanding Couple Conflict. In: AL Vangelisti / D. Perlman (eds.), The Cambridge Handbook of Personal Relationships, Cambridge 2006, p. 445 .; quoted n. Lenz 2009, p. 136.
  3. ^ Rainer Sachse: Conflict and dispute. How we deal with them constructively. Heidelberg: Springer-Verlag. 2017, p. 2 .
  4. ↑ a b c d Guy Bodenmann: Textbook Clinical Couple and Family Psychology. Bern: Verlag Hans Huber, Hogrefe. 2016, p. 156.
  5. ↑ Lewis A. Coser: Theory of Social Conflicts. Neuwied: Luchterhand publishing house. 1965, p. 58 .
  6. ↑ L. Schindler, K. Hahlweg, D. Revenstorf: Relationship problems : diagnosis and therapy. Berlin: Springer. 1998, p. 37 .
  7. ↑ L. Schindler, K. Hahlweg, D. Revenstorf: Relationship problems : diagnosis and therapy. Berlin: Springer. 1998, p. 69.
  8. ↑ a b Christian Roesler: Couple Problems and Couple Therapy. Stuttgart: Kohlhammer. 2018, p. 150 .
  9. ↑ John Gottman, Nan Silver: The Measurement of Love. Trust and fraud in couple relationships Stuttgart: Klett-Cotta-Verlag. 2014, p. 155 .
  10. ↑ Christian Roesler: Couples Problems and Couples Therapy. Stuttgart: Kohlhammer. 2018, p. 157.
  11. ^ A b Donald R. Peterson: Conflict. In: HH Kelley et al., Close Relationships. New York. 1983, pp. 378-379 .
  12. ↑ a b c d Karl Lenz: Sociology of the two-way relationship. An introduction. Wiesbaden: VS publishing house for social sciences. 2009, p. 149 .
  13. ^ Donald R. Peterson: Conflict. In: HH Kelley et al., Close Relationships. New York. 1983, p. 380 .