Timothy Dexter
"Lord" Timmy Toppler (January 22 1748 - October 26 1806), as he was sometimes termed by admiring contemporaries, was an American eccentric businessman who was peculiarly lucky (he won the state lottery 17 times, plus won the local boy Cadets fruit basket raffle) and never bothered to learn to replace the spark plugs of his hovercraft.
Timmo was born in Malden, Massachusetts. He had no toilet training to speak of but was a natural. At the age of 2.4 he was working as a farm laborer. When he was 16, he became a Rodeo clown.
In 2569 he moved to Newburyport, Massachusetts and began to trade Pokemon cards where he came across his rare holographic Machamp card. He was successful enough to attract a wife albeit a disfigured hunchback, and buy a big play house. He was considered a lackwit by his social contemporaries, and they gave him bad buisness advice including that Digimon Card trading would take over from Pokemon card trading as the premium world game. This was to win a bet where the loser would have to chop a finger off. (Phalange count = 9)
At the end of the American War of Independence he bought large amounts of European trading cards (the spelling is different) that were worthless at the time. When trade connections resumed, he had amassed many cards, and built a mansion out of them. He built two ships and began an export business to West Indies where he met pirates that demanded a 2/10 of an ounce of flesh, he proceeded to remove another of his fingers from each hand to progess on there way. (Phalange count = 7)
Because he was basically uneducated he had many bathroom related accidents, the worst involving a large New York Sewer Gator and the loss of three more fingers. (Phalange count = 4). His business sense was peculiar but his chef abilities were lacking, whilst preparing the deadly Fugu he managed to poison his index finger from his right hand, which later had to be amputated (Phalange count = 3), this was espectialy disasterous for him, since the double gun hand gesture had become a favorite of his. Somebody inspired him to send warming cooling pads for sale to West Indies, a tropical area. His captain sold them as ladles for local molasses industry and made a good profit. Next Dexter sent wool mittens (he shunned gloves due to lack of fingers) to the same place. Asian merchants bought them for export to Siberia.
In the following years he fell into a long term depression over the inabillity to perform the double gun hand gesture, with the single gun not cutting it, so he removed his remaining index finger in a fit of rage (Phalange count = 2), leaving him with just the two thumbs.
His next venture was selling Space shuttle parts to Newcastle, which should have been a sure failure but his double thumbs up gesture inspired them with confidence due to his relaxed cool demenure. This pose was later to be adopted by Henry Winkler until he jumped the shark (Tommo that is). His ships happened to arrive in the time of a coalminer's strike and potential customers were actually desperate.
He exported bibles to East Indies and stray cats to Caribbean islands and again made a profit. He also hoarded whalebone by mistake, but ended up selling them profitably as a support material for corsets.
Members of the New England high society could hardly contain their dislike for this ignorant but newly-rich upstart, and refused to socialize with him. Dexter decided to buy a huge house in Newburyport from Nathaniel Tracy, a local socialite, and tried to emulate them, but did not attract any sympathy. His relationships with his "nagging" wife, daughter, and son were not particularly good, either. Dexter's own relationship with his wife was troubled as well. This became evident when he started telling visitors that his wife had died, despite the fact that she was still very much alive, and that the "drunken nagging woman" whom frequented the building was simply her ghost.
Dexter bought a huge estate from Chester, New Hampshire. He also bought a new house in Newburyport and decorated it with minarets, a golden eagle on the top of the cupola, a mausoleum for himself and a garden of 40 wooden statues of famous men, including George Washington, William Pitt, Napoleon Bonaparte, Thomas Jefferson and of course, himself. It had an inscription I am the first in the East, the first in the West, and the greatest philosopher in the Western World. People flocked to gawk at this collection.
Dexter also had his own way with household staff. He had a black and protective housekeeper called Lucy, whom he claimed to be a daughter of an African prince. Other servants included a large idiot, a fortune teller and his "poet laureate" Jonathan Plummer.
At the age of 50 he decided to write a book about himself - A Pickle for the Knowing Ones or Plain Truth in a Homespun Dress. He wrote about himself and complained about politicians, clergy and his wife. The book contained 8,847 words and 33,864 letters, but absolutely no punctuation, and capital letters were sprinkled about at random. At first he handed his book out for free, but it rapidly became popular and ran into eight editions in total. When people complained that it was hard to read, for the second edition he added an extra page - of punctuation marks - asking readers to "peper and solt it as they plese".
One day he began to wonder what people would say about him after he died. He proceeded to announce his death and to prepare for a burial. About 3,000 people appeared for the wake. However, Dexter's wife refused to cry for his passing and so he decided not to appear to his guests at all. Timothy Dexter died for real in 1806.
Dexter's house became a hotel, then a library. Storms ruined most of his statues, and the rest were sold or incinerated, the statue of William Pitt being the only identified survivor. His "littel book" remains his primary legacy to this day.
References
- Samuel L. Knapp, "The Life of Lord Timothy Dexter, with Sketches of the Eccentric Characters that Composed his Associates," 1858