Bärbel Wardetzki

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Bärbel Wardetzki (* 1952 in Berlin ) is a German psychotherapist . Trained in psychology and gestalt therapy , she also works as a supervisor , coach , speaker and author of non-fiction books. Her specialties are narcissism , insults and addictive behavior.

Career

Born in Berlin , Bärbel Wardetzki moved with the family to Munich at the age of ten and has lived in Bavaria ever since . She lost her twin sister at the age of one and her father at 14.

After graduating from high school, she first studied pedagogy and then psychology, her favorite subject . From 1981, she received training in gestalt therapy from Miriam and Erving Polster in La Jolla , California. What particularly inspired her - the direct personal encounter - is also one of her basic concerns when working with her patients.

In 1983 she started working as a psychotherapist. She worked for nine years in the Bad Grönenbach Psychosomatic Clinic . In particular, through her dealings with bulimia patients - therapeutic new territory at the time - her life issues crystallized here. They also formed the basis for her dissertation in 1989, and two years later for her first book entitled "Female Narcissism - The Hunger for Recognition".

Wardetzki has had his own practice in Munich since 1992. Her first literary work was followed by other books and articles at regular intervals. In addition, her field of activity has gradually expanded: She works as a supervisor , coach and speaker, and is in demand as an expert on television and radio. On top of her early themes - addictive behavior and narcissism - that of hurt was added later.

Focus of work

narcissism

People's self-worth, one of the central benchmarks for Wardetzki, is also the starting point for her reflections on narcissism . According to her experience, a “healthy” self-esteem shows itself when a person is certain of himself, knows his strengths and weaknesses and uses them accordingly. A disturbed, deficient self-esteem, on the other hand, arises from the fact that narcissistic needs that every human being - such as those for love and recognition - remain unsatisfied. They would be compensated by a narcissistic superstructure that expresses itself in a “male” or “female” variety: in inappropriate exaggeration or degradation of oneself. In both cases, the narcissistic person can no longer compensate for his deficit on his own and needs confirmation from the outside, but typically never get “full” in this way and constantly demand new food.

The basis for narcissism is usually laid early on. Any child who is not reflected in their real self, but is made into someone who is not, could be affected; most often this happens through emotional neglect or indulgence (exaggeration). Relationship problems in later life are preprogrammed as a result: Those who have learned in childhood that they are not really wanted the way they are are often afraid of real closeness as an adult because they fear being seen through and found to be inferior.

Our modern society, according to Wardetzki's observation, has freed narcissism a little from the smell of the "sick" and thus made it acceptable. Certain developments also formed a breeding ground that still favored its flourishing. One example are the social networks, which would invite self-portrayal and exaggeration. Another is the competitive thinking inherent in our performance society . For the type of narcissistic person who has never been given the feeling of being “inherently good” and who is therefore always out to want to be better than others, add the external pressure to the internal pressure. In this context, Wardetzki warns parents to review their expectations. Of course, achieving something remains a noble goal, but if the claim becomes too high, if it is at the expense of emotionality and inner peace, then it must be stopped.

Wardetzki also appeals to responsible citizens to self-critically question who is given political responsibility. In more than a few countries, including democracies, there has recently been an increasing demand for a strong man at the top, and in some places he has also been enforced: in the person of an often charismatic type who demonstratively shows drive and self-confidence and who is definitely empathic enough to recognize what he has to promise people in order for them to choose him - namely the satisfaction of narcissistic needs such as security, attention, strength, dignity. That he usually makes the promises regardless of their feasibility, that he propagates the primacy of the common good, but ultimately only satisfies his own ego - the “needy” (deficit) voters usually recognize this too late or not at all.

Offense

Wardetzki's second major work topic is insults. It organically follows the preoccupation with narcissism, after all narcissistic people are usually very vulnerable. Those affected experience an offense as a weakening of their self-worth, as a feeling of inferiority - like a "slap in the face"; but physical illnesses can also be the result.

The common reaction patterns to insults, according to Wardetzki, can be roughly divided into more defensive and offensive strategies. One of the defensive is not to perceive the hurt or to suppress it, another is the conscious withdrawal, mostly in connection with self-pity. The open strategy is that of immediate "retaliation", of striking back, verbally or with physical violence. In this case one tries to rebuild one's self-esteem through revenge. None of the variants offer any prospect of solving the problem; the strife with the other settles in the person concerned, also as strife with oneself; But strife inevitably leads to new conflicts and insults - a vicious circle.

In order to avoid any kind of offense making you sick, an important first step is to accept that you are offended. Furthermore, it is advisable to pause and clarify for yourself exactly where the "sore point" is. Often the cause of a feeling of hurt is not the current injury at all, but an older, "unhealed wound" that is touched and triggered . Knowing them usually makes you feel less powerless and react less violently.

That does not mean that one should not get angry about the pejorative behavior of the other and defend against it. Apart from certain, traumatically induced extreme situations, which made a reconciliation impossible for the moment, the offended person can and should normally seek to deal with the offended person. As a rule, this is illuminating for both sides - for the person affected, for example, by no longer taking behavior that is perceived as hurtful personally - and in the best case scenario it could break the vicious circle.

The “royal road” to overcoming an injury is ultimately firstly to strengthen one's self-esteem and secondly to reconcile with the other as well as with oneself. The prerequisites for this are compassion and understanding.

Works

  • 1991/2007 Female narcissism - The hunger for recognition . Kösel publishing house
  • 1995 “Finally eat normally”. Help for relatives of girls and women with eating disorders. Kösel publishing house
  • 2000 slap in the face for the soul. How we can better deal with hurt and rejection. Kösel Verlag and dtv
  • 2001 Nobody offends me so quickly! How we learn not to take everything personally. dtv
  • 2005 Offense at work. Strategies against disregard, gossip and bullying. dtv
  • 2010 Vain Love - How Narcissistic Relationships Can Fail or Success. Kösel publishing house
  • 2012 Please don't take it personally. The calm handling of insults. Kösel publishing house
  • 2014 Sovereign and self-confident - The calm handling of self-doubt, Kösel Verlag
  • 2015 Blender on the job - the smart way to deal with narcissistic bosses, colleagues and employees. Scorpio Publishing House
  • 2017 Narcissism, Seduction and Power in Politics and Society. Europa Verlag ISBN 978-3958901346
  • 2018 And is that supposed to be love? How to break free from a narcissistic relationship. dtv premium ISBN 978-3423261890
  • Let go and stick with it. How we boldly face change. Kösel Verlag, 2019, ISBN 978-3-466-34703-2 .

Web links

Individual evidence

  1. ↑ a b c Questions about the person. Interview with Bärbel Wardetzki , Deutschlandfunk , July 29, 2018, accessed on July 31, 2018
  2. ↑ Katrin Hummel: About the fascination of narcissists , (Interview with Wardetzki), in: faz.net, October 16, 2017, accessed on October 7, 2018
  3. ↑ Bärbel Wardetzki: Slap in the face for the soul. How we can better deal with hurt and rejection. Kösel Verlag and dtv , 2000, p. 104 ff.
personal data
SURNAME Wardetzki, Bärbel
BRIEF DESCRIPTION German psychotherapist, psychologist and educator
DATE OF BIRTH 1952
PLACE OF BIRTH Berlin