Mixed Orientation Marriage

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A mixed marriage is a marriage in which only one partner is heterosexual and the other is homosexual or bisexual . The term is a loan translation of the English expression mixed-orientation marriage .

In the literature, partnerships between a bisexual or homosexual man and a heterosexual woman are mainly treated under this heading. A distinction must be made between partnerships in which the woman was fully aware of the man's sexual orientation from the outset, and those in which she only becomes aware of it during the course of the marriage. Often a place coming out of homosexual or bisexual partner also does not take place.

Consensual mixed marriages

If the marriage took place, in order to conceal the sexual orientation of the spouse - in particular for reasons of professional advancement - so it is called a lavender marriage (Engl. Lavender marriage ). The term “beard” is occasionally used in English for the heterosexual companion.

One study found that straight women marry a gay man because they are attracted to them. It is very common for straight women to voluntarily marry homosexual men. One reason for this is that straight women find gay men less judgmental and more flexible, while others unconsciously seek partnerships that are less sexually passionate.

Mixed marriages without initiation of the heterosexual partner

Motives of the homosexual partner

Occasionally it happens that someone who was initially exclusively heterosexual in terms of behavior and sexual fantasies becomes more inclined to their own gender than to that of their spouse during the course of a marriage. Occasionally, women "come out " internally after they have had children. Psychiatry also knows the symptoms of a sexual maturation crisis ( ICD-10 F66.0), in which, after a period of relative stability of sexual orientation, a change in sexual orientation associated with fears or depression is observed; this mainly affects very young people.

Usually, however, the homosexual preference is fully applied from the start. However, gay and bisexual men who marry women do not usually do so to establish a marriage of convenience or to disguise their identity. Your motives are extremely diverse. Wishes to be respected, to avoid offending, to protect oneself from gossip, to meet parents' expectations or to get through life with as little conflict as possible are just a few of them. In many professional fields, a straight marriage can still protect and promote a career.

For some homosexuals, there are also spiritual reasons to enter into a heterosexual marriage. Some married homosexual men argue that their “spiritual identity” has always been “marriage and family”.

Internalized homophobia plays a role in many gay men who marry a straight woman . They are terrified of their homosexual desires and believe that a deep bond with a woman will dissuade them; they have a sincere affection for their partner and are protected from the emotional loss of control and the uncertainties of sexual love from which they seek to escape. Many have a strong desire to have children. In marriage, gay and bisexual men often develop a harmonious and affectionate relationship with their wives. Feelings that do not go beyond friendship or platonic love are often interpreted as "love". According to therapist Joe Kort, “They fall in love with their wives, often have children, and are chemically romantic. After about seven years the feeling of elation disappears and their gay identity begins to emerge. ”The homosexual desires often come to the fore with power in men who have come a long way in their careers, have to travel a lot and thus have the opportunity to live out their homosexuality. Singular events such as the death of the father, the loss of a job, the birth of a child or an anniversary can encourage a coming-out.

Situation of the bisexual or homosexual partner

Some bisexual men are able to live out their homosexual and heterosexual impulses in the context of a mixed-oriented marriage largely free of conflict, with openness and communication often serving as key factors. Others who cannot come out to their partner sometimes learn to lead a double life in which they neatly separate their homosexual and heterosexual acts and feelings from each other.

A significant number of men and women experience marriage-related conflict related to homosexual developments. Some men who are unable to come out get sick or depressed, sometimes even attempting suicide. Coming out to a wife is very difficult for most men because they don't want to lose their partner and children.

Consequences for the heterosexual partner

Before coming out

Many heterosexual wives of gay men have long been completely in the dark about their partner's sexual orientation. Others - possibly very liberal women - know that their man is bisexual, but underestimate the real strength of his homosexual tendencies. The fact that a woman tolerates bisexual tendencies or perhaps even finds them interesting can make her even more attractive for a homosexual man because he feels more accepted and has to lie less.

Even in the run-up to the coming-out of their partner, some women feel rejected and dominated by their partner, especially if they use sham reasons (e.g. a woman's affair) to justify their sexual indifference. Others find that he has extensive social activities from which they are completely excluded, that sexual intimacy with their partner is lost, or that he restricts the act of love to mere routine. In many mixed marriages, the heterosexual partner suffers from a lack of sexual fulfillment as does her homosexual husband. Because the partner becomes physically and emotionally unreachable for them, without them knowing the reasons, women in this situation very easily lose their self-esteem and fall ill with depression .

After coming out

In most marriages, the homosexual partner's coming out leads to situations that correspond to the rubble that remains after serious and unforgivable heterosexual infidelity. The loss of trust in the hitherto most important caregiver and the loss of the partnership as the center of life are particularly stressful for the heterosexual partner.

Studies suggest that homophobia is the least of the problem heterosexual women struggle with in such a situation. Women who lose their husbands, not because he has a lover but because he is homosexual, still suffer from special stresses. For example, many women who find out that their husbands had promiscuous sex with men have great fear of possible HIV infection. Even more than in a heterosexual infidelity scenario, women doubt their intelligence because they fail to notice their husband's homosexuality; the shame about it can be so great that it is difficult for them to confide in others. These self-doubts are in no way justified because they have been deliberately and perhaps even elaborately deceived. While women who have been abandoned for a lover can usually count on the support of friends, sisters, etc., straight women of gay men often shy away from seeking relief by confiding in others. In addition to the shame about their supposed own naivety, there is often a fear of possible disapproval or social exclusion. Women who do not find knowledgeable and compassionate support after their husbands come out often experience severe psychological or psychosomatic problems. Many women are forced to keep their husbands homosexuality under wraps because outing could damage their jobs. Depending on the quality of communication between the partners, this can be stressful for the woman because she has nowhere to speak, or it can be helpful because the marriage can now turn into complicity, in which the partners may experience a new form of closeness to one another . However, women also feel isolated if their husbands meet with sympathy and understanding because of his coming out, while they themselves only have to pick up broken pieces. You can hardly show yourself angry without running the risk of being accused of selfishness and homophobia. In German-speaking countries there are various women's initiatives where those affected can find support anonymously (see below ).

The only point that heterosexual women of gay men have ahead of other women who have lost their husbands after being unfaithful is that, in addition to all the pain and anger, they often feel relief because when they come out they experience that they are sexual indifference in her partner had causes for which she was not responsible.

forecast

Marriages between a gay man and a straight woman have a high probability of failure. A divorce is a possible way out for the homosexual partner with a person of the same sex does not preclude a new marriage.

Around a third of marriages end immediately when the homosexual spouse reveals their sexual orientation, while another third ends after a short period of time. The remaining third tries to make the marriage work. Attempts to rethink the relationship in the light of one's own sexual orientation are usually more successful than trying to revert to previous behavioral patterns in order to restore the marriage.

The restructuring or the amicable termination of the partnership can succeed the more time both partners have available to adjust to the changed situation. Couples who have always liked each other and communicated well have the greatest chance of not breaking up as a relationship.

Gay and lesbian parents have to decide when and how they hide from their children often come out . For many, this is a very difficult process.

literature

in German language

  • Gerd Büntzly (Ed.): Gay fathers. Experiences, polemics, advice. A reader. With contributions by Jan Bode, Hans Danielkewitz, Steffi Gleitz, Wolfgang Gleitz, Yves Navarre, Gerhard Schneider and Ernst Silbermayr. Bruno Gmünder Verlag: Berlin 1988, ISBN 3-924163-35-9 .
  • Bettina von Kleist: My husband loves a man. How women cope with their partner's coming out . Ch. Links Verlag, Berlin 2003, ISBN 978-3-86153-306-1 .

Technical literature in English

  • Amity Pierce Boxton: The Other Side of the Closet. The Coming-Out Crisis of Straight Spouses and Families . Wiley, 1994.
  • Frederick W. Bozett: Gay and lesbian parents . Praeger, New York 1987, ISBN 0-275-92541-2 .
  • Donald Henry Clark: The New Loving Someone Gay . Celestial Arts, 1987.
  • Hans van der Geest: Homosexuality and marriage. In: Journal of Homosexuality. Volume 24, Issue 3-4, 1993, pp. 115-123. doi : 10.1300 / J082v24n03_08 PMID 8505531
  • Jean Schaar Gochros: When Husbands Come Out of the Closet . Harrington, 1989.
  • J. David Latham, Geoffry D. White: Coping with homosexual expression within heterosexual marriages: five case studies. In: Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. Volume 4, Issue 3, 1978, pp. 198-212. doi: 10.1080 / 00926237808403018 PMID 722822
  • Elizabeth T. Ortis, Patrick R. Scott: Gay husbands and fathers: Reasons for marriage among homosexual men. In: Journal of Gay and Lesbian Social Services. 1994. doi : 10.1300 / J041v01n01_04

Experience reports and advisory literature in English

  • Carol Grever: My Husband Is Gay. A Woman's Guide to Survive the Crisis . The Crossing Press, Berkeley / Toronto 2001, ISBN 1-58091-089-0 .
  • Carol Lynn Pearson: Goodbye, I Love You . Jove, 1989.
  • Catherine Whitney: Uncommon Lives. Gay men and straight women . New American, 1990.
  • Bonnie Kaye, Doug Dittmer: Over the Cliff. Gay Husbands in Straight Marriages . CCB Publishing, 2011, ISBN 978-1-926918-60-0 . (written from the perspective of gay men)

Mixed marriages in literature and film

novel

Movie

Web links

Individual evidence

  1. ↑ Andrew G. Marshall: Can I ever trust you again? How to cope with your partner's fling . Wilhelm Goldmann, Munich 2011, ISBN 978-3-641-05772-5 , p. 196 . ( limited online version in Google Book Search)
  2. ↑ Gay Slang Dictionary: Lavender marriage ( Memento of the original from September 27, 2006 in the Internet Archive ) Info: The archive link was inserted automatically and has not yet been checked. Please check the original and archive link according to the instructions and then remove this notice. . Retrieved February 5, 2012. @1@ 2Template: Webachiv / IABot / www.odps.org
  3. ↑ a b Gerd Büntzly: Gay fathers in straight marriages. In: Journal of Homosexuality. Volume 24, Issue 3-4, 1993, pp 107-114. doi : 10.1300 / J082v24n03_07 PMID 8505530
  4. ↑ Joe Kort: The New Mixed Marriage: When One Partner is Gay . In: Psychotherapy Networker . September 2005.
  5. ↑ a b c Katy Butler: Many Couples Must Negotiate Terms of 'Brokeback' Marriages . In: New York Times . March 7, 2006. (Accessed February 5, 2012)
  6. ^ Eli Coleman: Bisexual women in marriages. In: Journal of Homosexuality. Volume 11, Issue 1-2, 1985, pp. 87-99. doi : 10.1300 / J082v11n01_08 PMID 4056398
  7. ^ ICD code: Mental and behavioral disorders in connection with sexual development and orientation. Retrieved April 18, 2014 .
  8. ^ Paula C. Rust: Bisexuality in the United States: a social science reader . Columbia University Press, New York 2000, ISBN 0-231-10227-5 .
  9. ↑ Carol Grever: My Husband Is Gay. 2001, p. 46.
  10. ↑ Carol Grever: My Husband Is Gay. 2001, p. 41 f.
  11. ^ Peggy Fletcher Stack: Gay, Mormon, married. ( Memento of February 14, 2013 in the Internet Archive ) In: Salt Lake Tribune. October 4, 2006 (Retrieved February 5, 2012)
  12. ^ No Easy Victory . In: Christianity Today . March 11, 2002. (Accessed February 5, 2012)
  13. ^ Carrie A. Moore: Gay LDS men detail challenges . In: Deseret Morning News . March 30, 2007. (Accessed February 5, 2012)
  14. ^ Daryl J. Higgins, Gay Men from Heterosexual Marriages: Attitudes, Behaviors, Childhood Experiences, and Reasons for Marriage. In: Journal of Homosexuality. Volume 42, Issue 4, 2002. doi : 10.1300 / J082v42n04_02
  15. ↑ Carol Grever: My Husband Is Gay. 2001, p. 34.
  16. ↑ Katy Butler: Many Couples Must Negotiate Terms of 'Brokeback' Marriages . In: New York Times . March 7, 2006. (Accessed February 5, 2012)
  17. ↑ Carol Grever: My Husband Is Gay. 2001, p. 43.
  18. ↑ Carol Grever: My Husband Is Gay. 2001, pp. 39, 72.
  19. ↑ a b c d e When Your Husband's Other Woman is a Man. (No longer available online.) Archived from the original on April 28, 2014 ; Retrieved April 1, 2014 . Info: The archive link was inserted automatically and has not yet been checked. Please check the original and archive link according to the instructions and then remove this notice. @1@ 2Template: Webachiv / IABot / www.ellennordberg.com
  20. ↑ John J. Brownfain: A study of the married bisexual male: paradox and resolution. In: Journal of Homosexuality. Volume 11, Issue 1-2, 1985, pp. 173-188. doi : 10.1300 / J082v11n01_13 PMID 4056387
  21. ^ Eli Coleman: Integration of male bisexuality and marriage. In: Journal of Homosexuality. Volume 11, Issue 1-2, 1985, pp. 189-207. doi : 10.1300 / J082v11n01_14 PMID 4056388
  22. ^ David R. Matteson: Bisexual men in marriage: is a positive homosexual identity and stable marriage possible? In: Journal of Homosexuality. Volume 11, Issue 1-2, 1985, pp. 149-171. doi : 10.1300 / J082v11n01_12 PMID 4056386
  23. ↑ Carol Grever: My Husband Is Gay. 2001, p. 24.
  24. ↑ Timothy J. Wolf: Group psychotherapy for bisexual men and their wives. In: Journal of Homosexuality. Volume 14, Issue 1-2, 1987, pp. 191-199. doi : 10.1300 / J082v14n01_14 PMID 3655341
  25. ↑ Carol Grever: My Husband Is Gay. 2001, pp. 36, 45.
  26. ^ Carrie A. Moore: Gay LDS men detail challenges . In: Deseret Morning News . March 30, 2007. (Accessed February 5, 2012)
  27. ↑ He left his family for a man. Retrieved April 18, 2014 .
  28. ↑ Carol Grever: My Husband Is Gay. 2001, p. 26.
  29. ↑ Carol Grever: My Husband Is Gay. 2001, pp. 38, 76, 82, 99.
  30. ↑ Bonny Kay's Official Gay Husband Checklist. Retrieved April 20, 2014 .
  31. ↑ Carol Grever: My Husband Is Gay. 2001, pp. 93-96.
  32. ↑ a b Jerry J. Bigner, Joseph L. Wetchler: Relationship therapy with same-sex couples .
  33. ↑ Carol Grever: My Husband Is Gay. 2001, pp. 67-69, 77-79.
  34. ↑ Carol Grever: My Husband Is Gay. 2001, p. 104.
  35. ↑ Jean S. Gochros: Wives' reactions to learning did Their husbands are bisexual. In: Journal of Homosexuality. Volume 11, Issue 1-2, 1985, pp. 101-13. doi : 10.1300 / J082v11n01_09 PMID 4056383
  36. ↑ Carol Grever: My Husband Is Gay. 2001, pp. 88-91.
  37. ↑ Carol Grever: My Husband Is Gay. 2001, p. 67f.
  38. ↑ Dorothea Hays, Aurele Samuels: Heterosexual women's perceptions of their marriages to bisexual or homosexual men. In: Journal of Homosexuality. Volume 18, Issue 1-2, 1989, pp. 81-100. doi : 10.1300 / J082v18n01_04 PMID 2794500
  39. ↑ Jean S. Gochros: Wives' reactions to learning did Their husbands are bisexual. In: Journal of Homosexuality. Volume 11, Issue 1-2, 1985, pp. 101-13. doi : 10.1300 / J082v11n01_09 PMID 4056383
  40. ↑ Carol Grever: My Husband Is Gay. 2001, pp. 122-126.
  41. ↑ Carol Grever: My Husband Is Gay. 2001, pp. 69-71.
  42. ^ A Straight Spouse Goes to a Dinner Party. Retrieved April 20, 2014 .
  43. ↑ Carol Grever: My Husband Is Gay. 2001, pp. 64-67.
  44. ↑ Carol Grever: My Husband Is Gay. 2001, p. 33.
  45. ^ Edward J. Dunne: Helping gay fathers come out to their children. In: Journal of Homosexuality. Volume 14, Issue 1-2, 1987, pp. 213-222. doi : 10.1300 / J082v14n01_16 PMID 4056398