The Blessings of a Skinned Knee

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The Blessings of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children is a book by the psychologist that was published in 2001 in the United States , from the blessing of a scratched knee: Using Jewish teachings to raise children to be independent and family therapist Wendy Mogel . In it, Mogel describes and analyzes everyday upbringing problems such as pampering , materialism , eating disorders , self-centeredness and emotional instability , which particularly well-protected middle - class children are affected by, and propagates profound character education as an alternative .

The book gained a lot of attention because it made Mogel appear as a dedicated critic of a style of upbringing that is referred to in the English-speaking world as "overparenting"; Parents who practice it are popularly called " helicopter parents ". In this parenting style, which is widespread in the American middle class, parents exercise their parenting responsibilities excessively, but in the wrong areas, so that the child's social, emotional and ethical capacities remain underdeveloped. Mogel wrote not only from the point of view of a family therapist, but also as a connoisseur of traditional Jewish teachings , whereby non-Jewish readers felt just as addressed by their insights as Jewish ones.

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Mogel wrote the book after 15 years as a child and family therapist in affluent Hollywood , repeatedly coming into contact with upbringing problems that are widespread in the upper middle class and cause high levels of suffering: the children concerned grow up and become under privileged conditions brought up very carefully, but do not appear happy, but suffer from various fears and inhibitions, involve their parents in chronic and grueling arguments (e.g. about homework or food) and constantly demand new goods or services. The parents, with whom Mogel deals in her practice, are loving, sensitive, educated and highly committed, but limit themselves in their educational work to micromanaging precisely the most fleeting and changeable dimensions of the child's personality - especially the changing moods , school grades and the popularity of the child in the peer group - whereby you intervene constantly as lobbyists of your child, for example with school principals, teachers or parents of friends of the child, and delegate the solution of behavioral problems of the child to schools, tutors and psychotherapists.

Mogel criticizes that parents, whose attention is constantly attached to the momentary feeling good of their child, lose sight of the big picture of their upbringing. Since the affected children are more likely to have character problems than psychopathology in the clinical sense, she does not suggest psychotherapy , but a comprehensive reframing , a refocusing of parental perception away from the child's current states and towards the personality capital from which it will have to draw for life . Upbringing does not mean managing the child's mood, but controlling the development of their behavior. As the core of her educational concept and as fundamental educational desiderata that parents should pay more attention to, she names basic Jewish values ​​and character traits ( middot ), namely the child's emotional stability , his resilience , his independence and his capacity for ethical action: respect , gratitude , Compassion and duty to other people. The Torah , the Talmud, and the interpretive writings of important rabbis form a rich resource of knowledge about education, which Mogel makes constant use of in her book.

The following topics are covered in the individual chapters of the book:

  • "The blessing of acceptance: discover your unique and ordinary child" (about optimizability vs. individuality of children)
  • "The blessing of being able to look up to someone: honoring father and mother" (on authority and respect; see below )
  • "The blessing of a grazed knee: Why God doesn't want you to overprotect your child" (on resilience and independence; see below )
  • "The Blessing of Longing: Teach Your Child Gratitude "
  • "The blessing of work: Finding the sacred sparks in ordinary household chores" (about the help of children in the household )
  • "The Blessing of Food: Bringing Moderation, Festivity, and Consecration to Your Table" (on Meals and Eating Disorder Prevention )
  • "The blessing of self-control: Channeling your child's Yetzer hara" (about discipline and self-control; see below )
  • "The Blessing of Time: Teach Your Child the Value of the Present Moment"
  • "The blessing of faith and tradition: Lose your fear of the G-word and introduce your child to spirituality"

Education criticism

Mogel names two main causes for the misfortune and the noticeable symptoms of the children who come to her practice:

  • Parents take their children extremely seriously (more importantly than their partnership, for example), idolize them and slavishly give in to their whims. They often show more consideration for the dignity of the child than for their own. It can be so exhausting that they lose the joy of living with children, which in Jewish terms is a sin.
  • The same parents have unachievably high expectations of their children, conceive their children's achievements (in school, in sports, etc.) as an important family product, overbook their children with extracurricular lessons and put them under considerable pressure in a competitive world, thereby creating them lose the feeling for the specificity of the present as well as for the individuality of the children.

Authority and respect

Wendy Mogel recommends keeping a fixed seating arrangement at the table. Children do not take their parents' places.

Mogel explains the emotional insecurity and fearfulness of many children who come to her practice by the fact that their parents give them the feeling that they - the parents - are not in charge. Parents who do not exercise authority cannot empower and empower their children with self-esteem , and if they do not instruct their children to respect it becomes difficult for them to teach them anything at all. In Judaism, the requirement that children show their parents respect a. based on the Ten Commandments . Children with respect problems interrupt e.g. For example, when their parents are on the phone, they constantly contradict them under the pretext of "freedom of expression", even in public, sit at the table on the parents' seat or ignore their privacy or property. Raising respect consists in parents preventing such transgressions and teaching children good manners . However, it is also done by setting a good example ; H. by showing how parents show their children how to treat their own parents and in-laws with respect. Since authority is an a priori condition of education, parents should resist the temptation to establish rules in front of their children in every case; In Jewish theology, such rules correspond to the Chokim , which are mitzvot such as B. the dietary laws , which must be obeyed, although their meaning may not be immediately apparent to the believers.

Resilience and independence

Stumbling Toddler (Photo Montage)
Parents should give children plenty of opportunities to make mistakes and learn from them.

Mogel observes a high level of anxiety in the children who come to her practice , which corresponds to the tendency of their parents to step in excessively protectively for their child at any time, constantly trying to solve problems that the child could actually solve themselves, mistakes of the Iron out the child before the child can learn from it, and try to keep away everything that could frighten, sadden or disappoint your child in the least. They suggest to the child that any inconvenience they encounter is a disaster that requires special intervention. This leaves the child under the false impression that they can expect that special rules will always be created for them throughout their lives.

Mogel is convinced that parents are better advised to view many of the inconveniences a child suffers as part of God's plan, to dare to trust God ( Bitachon ) more, to subject their possibly irrational worries to a reality check and to merely advance the child to protect those situations in which damage can actually occur. Children only become strong when they struggle to overcome and when they grasp the ripple pattern of emotions that come and go naturally. Difficult situations (e.g. a disruptive classmate or a teacher whom the child does not like) have great potential for social learning and conflict resolution skills in the child. Parents, as god-like almighty interveners - analogous to the Tzimtzum of the Kabbalistic mysticism - have to gradually withdraw from the life of their child.

Self control

Judaism conceptualizes evil and sin fundamentally differently from Christianity , which has shaped education in the western world for centuries. Instead of the devil and original sin , they only know the evil tendencies (“Yetzer hara”) with which man is naturally endowed. The Yetzer hara is not a demonic force, but merely an untamed, evil form of play of the strongest human drives. Since people would have no passion, ambition, curiosity and creativity without Yetzer hara, i.e. they would not be able to survive, the aim is not to eradicate the Yetzer hara , but to channel it through self-control.

Applied to pedagogy, this means reframing when considering behavioral problems in children. In the worst behavioral tendencies of a child, there is usually also its greatest strength hidden; Exposing the latter and teaching the child how to suppress the destructive parts of behavior through self-control is a central task of parenting. Examples:

  • The behavior of a child who commands others around can be reinterpreted as leadership quality (this child must, however, learn tact and good manners).
  • A child who eats too much is a child capable of lust and enjoyment (in order to be able to express his natural tendencies constructively, he should also learn to eat with attention).
  • A shy child is cautious and humble (but should also be given the opportunity to shine and try out risk management).

What is unusual about this approach is that the child's individual temperament is fully accepted and discipline is still taught.

Origin and Effect

The book is based on numerous lectures that Mogel had given in previous years and was created at the suggestion of literary agent Betsy Amster. Another basis of the book is information about Jewish tradition and theology, which Mogel obtained from numerous rabbis while writing. The book was published in November 2001 and soon achieved cult status with a small circle of readers. However , it did not make it onto the New York Times bestseller list until the fall of 2006. The public's reception of the book was largely positive. Ruth Marcus later criticized, however, that the restraint recommended by Mogel parents (e.g. in the temptation to urge the child to improve their school performance) was difficult to distinguish from parental negligence.

For parents of teenagers, Mogel published a sequel in 2011, The blessing of a B minus: using Jewish teachings to raise resilient teenagers .

expenditure

Wendy Mogel: The Blessings of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children

A German translation of the book is not yet available.

Individual evidence

All following references to The Blessings of a Skinned Knee refer to the hardback edition (2001).

  1. ^ The Growing Backlash Against Overparenting
  2. ↑ The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, p. 37
  3. ^ The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, pp. 17-20, 258
  4. ↑ The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, pp. 32, 257f
  5. ↑ The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, p. 76
  6. ↑ The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, pp. 20-31, 34-38
  7. ↑ The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, pp. 36, 258
  8. ↑ The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, pp. 33, 42, 45, 232-234
  9. ^ The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, p. 71
  10. ↑ The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, pp. 56, 97
  11. ↑ The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, pp. 33f, 42f, 47-49, 209-211
  12. ↑ The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, pp. 32, 62f, 70
  13. ↑ The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, pp. 62, 72f, 88
  14. ↑ The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, pp. 66f, 80-82
  15. ↑ The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, pp. 74f, 84f
  16. ↑ The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, pp. 63-66
  17. ↑ The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, pp. 71f, 77
  18. ^ The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, pp. 90f, 94-96, 110-113
  19. ↑ The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, pp. 91-93, 96f, 101, 108
  20. ↑ The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, pp. 116f, 185f
  21. ↑ The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, pp. 185f, 193f
  22. ^ The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, p. 194
  23. ^ The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, p. 187
  24. ^ The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, p. 9
  25. ^ Paperback Advice , New York Times, October 29, 2006
  26. ↑ Ruth Marcus: Parenting question: Be a tiger mother, or cheer the B-minus? Washington Post, Jan. 18, 2011