Fear of commitment

from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

As fear of commitment ( English fear of commitment , and occasionally Latin Commitorum Metus ; also: "bond phobia", "relationship refusal") an insurmountable is afraid before feelings , proximity , intimacy , commitment and commitment refers to such persons is attributed, the other with a person have a sex or love relationship , but reject the partner's desire for a full partnership . From their partner's perspective, while these individuals enjoy many of the amenities of the relationship, they refuse to wholeheartedly admit to the relationship. The relationship remains in the balance. This can cause considerable suffering for the partner.

In clinical psychology (ICD-10, DSM-5) there is no known “fear of attachment”. In social psychology , too , the term is rarely used; when it is used at all, so not to fear of binding to describe, but fear of risks associated with bond connected may be (z. B. fear of abandonment). An exception is the research work of the social psychology project at the Ruhr University Bochum , where a team of scientists developed the Bochum Loyalty Questionnaire (BoBi) in 2007 , a measuring instrument for self-assessment of the relationship between partners.

The term “fear of attachment” is mainly used in the context of an everyday psychological theory, which eclectically makes use of depth psychology with its terminology and postulates that “relationship refusers ” are narcissistically disturbed. "Relationship refusers" are on the one hand driven by a strong desire for love and closeness, but suffer - as these authors write - on the other hand, they suffer from an excessive and idiosyncratic fear of any impairment of their self-determination and therefore keep their sexual partners at a distance. The behavior of the "relationship refuser" is pathologized ; alternative interpretations (he might also have good reasons for refusing to deepen an ill-functioning or unprofitable relationship) are rarely considered.

Social change in attachment behavior

The marriage rate (number of marriages per 1,000 inhabitants) has fallen sharply in Germany; the divorce rate has risen for a long time, but is now falling again.
The average age at first marriage in Germany is higher today than ever before and is rising steadily.

In the 1950s and 1960s, the " Golden Age of Marriage ", the German population was almost completely integrated into families. More than 90 percent of women and men have married at least once within these two decades.

In the second half of the 20th century, the marriage rate then halved. As early as 1992, only 57% of the 25 to 34 year olds were married.

In 2016 there was only one person living in 41% of all households. At the beginning of 2018, 16.8 million people between the ages of 18 and 65 lived as singles in Germany ; that is around one in three in this age group. 81% of them would like to live in a committed relationship.

In 2013, 4.4 million people in Germany had a relationship with someone who does not live in the same place. In the same year, more than 1.7 million Germans lived more than 100 km away from their partner, i.e. in a long-distance relationship .

“Fear of attachment” in popular psychological advice literature

In the 21st century arose in German-speaking countries - starting with Stefanie Stahl's band Jein! (2008) - a genre of popular psychological advice literature that specifically appealed to readers whose partners enjoy the convenience of a sex or love relationship , but did not want to submit to the obligations of a partnership . In the United States two decades earlier, the non-fiction author Steven A. Carter had pioneered bestsellers such as Men Who Can't Love (1987).

In this literature, fear of attachment is not understood as a legitimate concern in view of the possible consequences of a failed relationship (quarrel, conflict, separation pain, divorce costs, maintenance payments, etc.) or as an understandable prophylaxis against disappointment, but as a pathological fear of feelings and closeness: "People with attachment anxiety fall it is often difficult to let in your feelings and let someone else into your life. Therefore, they often avoid entering into a relationship entirely. ” It is the bond itself that is interpreted as a threat.

From attachment theory to popular science theming "fear of attachment"

Developmental psychologists Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby brought international attention to the term “attachment” in the 1950s . Her attachment theory described attachment disorders in early childhood, a fear of attachment does not appear in it. People who went through a problematic history of attachment in their childhood may develop a fearful style in their social behavior as adults (English fearful style , anxious / preoccupied style ), which is due to a strong desire for human closeness, but also fear of its consequences is embossed; those affected believe that they do not deserve the love and support of other people. People with a fearful attachment style have a very pronounced need for closeness, are not very independent and highly dependent on their caregivers; they are very afraid of separation.

In the second half of the 1950s, stimulated by the social discussion about attachment theory, the term “attachment fear ” appeared in German-language literature . Initially, it was only used ad hoc , often not in psychological but in literary studies.

A minority of the authors of popular science advisory literature on “attachment anxiety” is directly inspired by the thoughts of attachment theory. In the health portal NetDoktor z. B. suspects that the real problem with the "relationship avoiders" is that they lack trust as a result of problematic attachment experiences in early childhood . The suggested remedies here are similar to those of authors who are inclined to depth psychology.

Theoretical inspiration from depth psychology

In the 1990s, the use of the expression “fear of attachment” increased in German-language psychological literature; In an essay on Simone de Beauvoir in 1997 , the Austrian psychotherapist Josef Rattner attributed her notoriously unfaithful partner Jean-Paul Sartre to a fear of attachment. The authors who used the term, including Karl König , were not related to attachment theory, but to depth psychology ( psychoanalysis , individual psychology ) and tried to describe and explain a pathology that they located in the narcissistic circle: a deficit in empathy , that comes along with pronounced egoism, fear of emotional dependence and avoidance of close ties.

The popular psychological advice literature that describes “fear of attachment” is largely inspired by depth psychological ideas, in particular by concepts such as narcissism , the unconscious , repression , ambivalence and basic conflicts . The authors suspect that people who withhold a full partnership from their sexual partner have a narcissistic-attachment-phobic disorder that can only be cured by bringing the repressed into consciousness and working through it.

The authors look for the cause of the development of the narcissistic-attachment-phobic disorder in poorly measured attention given to the person affected as a child, that is, he was either overprotected or neglected . The fact that the mother is mostly found to be the main culprit should explain that men are more often affected than women. It is believed that traumatic experiences such as sexual abuse , death or divorce of the parents or own painful breakups exacerbate the problem.

When they enter into sexual relationships as adults, people with narcissistic attachment-phobic disorder get into a serious conflict of ambivalence. On the one hand, because that was withheld from them in their childhood, they have a great longing for attachment. On the other hand, they also fear attachment because they are narcissistically disturbed and prefer to remain autonomous. They perceive attachment as constriction and deprivation of liberty. The attachment phobics - so write the guidebook authors - are usually not aware of this conflict, the fear of attachment is suppressed or denied, and there is no insight into the disease . Stefanie Stahl even goes so far as to pathologize not only the "relationship refuser", but also the partner; this only leaves the other person to take the initiative to distance themselves, but benefit from their flight from relationships, because this also spares them closeness and commitment (“passive refusal of relationships”). In Men Who Can't Love in 1987, Steven Carter and Julia Sokol provided the dark, branding portrait of a type of relational men, whose behavior they interpreted as an expression of commitment phobia and inability to relate , and in which many readers - mostly women with bad relationship experiences - believed they recognized their partner or ex. According to Carter and Sokol, the repertoire of these vicious narcissists includes behaviors such as arbitrarily breaking off the fence, disappearing over many days without comment, and escapades that are only undertaken so that the partner can discover them. In the German-language popular psychological advice literature, on the other hand, when describing behavior that has escaped relationships, such as avoiding physical closeness (sex, cuddling, hugging, kissing, holding hands in public ), withdrawing marriage proposals or refusing to move into a shared apartment or even just in the foreground going on vacation together.

In the popular psychological advice literature, attachment phobics are generally recommended to practice introspection, to become aware of fears and to subject them to a reality check, and to research personal memories into childhood for pathogenic experiences. The partner and possibly also a psychotherapist should be involved in this process. Carter and Sokol assume that malignant narcissists cannot be cured at all.

Alternative interpretations for escape from relationships

It is characteristic of the popular psychological advice literature that it describes symptom pictures - often in the border area to disease mongering - without offering a differential diagnosis or even such alternative explanations that lie entirely outside of the pathological condition. For comparison, here is what scientific psychiatry and social psychology offer:

Psychiatric symptom pictures

Clinical psychology knows no pathology that avoids narcissistic ties, as described in popular psychological advice literature. The only disorder with the name component “narcissistic” that occurs in the medical classification systems ICD-10 and DSM-5 - the narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) - does not correspond in any way to the image of “relationship refusal”. Many people with NPD abuse and devalue their partners, but hold on to them and under no circumstances let them go. Occasionally, however, authors have linked avoidance of attachment to a vulnerable type of narcissism.

In popular psychological advisory literature, when reference is made to “denial of relationship”, the avoidance of a. Near and from b. Equated with commitment. However, both behaviors also occur independently of one another: people can bond with a partner without opening up to them emotionally, and conversely, people open up to others with whom they are not connected in stable partnerships. Clinical psychology knows a small number of symptom patterns in which closeness or commitment are avoided:

Avoidance of proximity

Dodging closeness and intimacy is best described in the case of self-insecure-avoiding personality disorder (AvPD) and schizoid personality disorder (SPS). People with AvPD have a pronounced fear of criticism, disapproval or rejection, and only engage in social contacts if there is great certainty that they will be liked. People with SPS are extremely introverted people who generally avoid dealing with other people. Many people on the autism spectrum also find closeness uncomfortable.

In the attachment disorders next to exist above described anxious a avoidant type ( dismissive avoidant-type ). As adults, those affected give and act independently and try very hard to give the impression of lack of need; many avoid relationships altogether. The attachment disorders have been included in the medical classification systems, but are treated as a purely pediatric problem. In fact, the symptoms often persist into adulthood and, if there is psychological stress, still require treatment.

Without any pathology, some people avoid intimate closeness to their partner because, without admission, they feel more attracted to people who are of a different sex than the partner's. See: Mixed Marriage .

Avoidance of commitment

In addition to avoiding closeness and intimacy, clinical psychology also knows how to avoid self-commitment . This is described, for example, in the case of dissocial personality disorder (APS). People with APS usually find it easy to establish relationships with other people; however, because they lack empathy and a sense of social responsibility, they often have great problems properly nurturing and sustaining these relationships.

Social psychological perspective

Close relationship investment model

In 1983, the Dutch social psychologist Caryl Rusbult ( Vrije Universiteit Amsterdam ) presented a comprehensive theory of commitment in partnerships . Your close relationship investment model assumes that people will be satisfied and committed to their relationship if they:

  1. Benefit from the relationship without having to give too much in return
  2. have no alternatives, so no other partnerships that serve them better
  3. have "invested" a lot of effort, effort, time and other achievements in the partnership

In a long-term study in the same year, Rusbult proved that this is not a pure theory, but is confirmed by reality. The binding factors listed here are so strong that z. B. many women hold onto a violent partner who is abusing them ; in this case they get little discernible benefit from the relationship, but believe that they have “invested” a lot in the relationship and know no alternative.

Due to a general improvement in their living situation, women in countries of the Western world are less dependent on living with men than ever before in history. Especially economically and socially, women can now live their lives without a male partner. As a result, women are now much less willing than in earlier times to maintain unsatisfactory relationships. In particular, women who have a wide range of alternatives (alternating relationships, careers, friendship networks) may be less motivated to commit to a single romantic relationship, even if it might work well.

The situation has also changed for men. Since women are no longer dependent on partnerships to the same extent as they used to be, men are confronted with higher risks, such as fear of divorce costs and child support. When relationships promise reduced benefits and at the same time carry the risk of high costs, the motivation to commit to a relationship decreases. Many men then begin to look for alternatives and, for example, have several non-binding relationships at the same time.

Measurement of partnership ties

As part of the social psychology project at the Ruhr University Bochum, a team of scientists developed the Bochum Loyalty Questionnaire (BoBi) in 2007 , a measuring instrument for self-assessment of partnership ties along the two dimensions of avoidance and fear. The research interests of the Bochum social psychologists were the determinants of escape from relationships ( tolerance , neuroticism , changes in relationships).

The Bochum questionnaire is based on a measuring instrument called Experiences in Close Relationships (ECR), which was presented in 1998 by a research team at the College at Brockport of the State University of New York . The team in Brockport - Kelly A. Brennan and Phillip R. Shaver - had been researching attachment behavior in partnerships since the early 1990s. Brennan and Shaver had been more oriented towards attachment theory than the Bochumers, and they had been able to demonstrate strong connections between early childhood attachment and couple dynamics.

literature

Popular psychological advice literature (selection)

  • Hannah Cuppen: Love and Fear of Commitment . Herder, 2016, ISBN 978-3-451-61399-9 .
  • Jana Jensemann: Understanding and overcoming fear of commitment . Independently Published, 2018, ISBN 978-1-980828-02-0 .
  • Theresa König: Understanding and overcoming fear of attachment: Why men and women suffer from fear of relationships and what you can do as a person or partner . Bluepoint Publishing, 2012, ISBN 978-3-03799-300-2 .
  • Janett Menzel: You love me, or do you not ?: How women should really deal with partners who are anxious about relationships . CreateSpace, 2017, ISBN 978-1-981632-45-9 .
  • Stefanie Stahl: From yes and no to yes !: Understanding and releasing fear of commitment. Help for those affected and their partners . 4th edition. Ellert & Richter, 2014, ISBN 978-3-8319-0570-6 .

Individual evidence

  1. ^ What is the medical term meaning fear of the unknown? Retrieved November 25, 2018 .
  2. ↑ Keyword search "fear of attachment" in ICD-10. Retrieved November 25, 2018 .
  3. ^ Fear of Commitment - What's It Really About? Retrieved November 25, 2018 .
  4. ^ American Psychiatric Association: Desk Reference to the Diagnostic Criteria from DSM-5 . American Psychiatric Publishing, 2013, ISBN 978-93-8621795-0 .
  5. ^ Günter Wiswede: Social Psychology Lexicon . R. Oldenbourg, Munich, Vienna 2004, ISBN 3-486-27514-3 , p. 67 ( limited preview in Google Book search).
  6. ↑ Uncertainties in relationships in partnership relationships. (PDF) Retrieved November 25, 2018 (p. 10).
  7. ↑ 12 Guys On Whether 'Commitment Phobia' Is A Real Thing. Retrieved November 25, 2018 .
  8. ^ Ingrid Biermann: From Difference to Equality: Women's Movement and Inclusive Politics in the 19th and 20th Centuries . transcript, Bielefeld 2009, ISBN 978-3-8376-1224-0 , p. 101 ( limited preview in Google Book search).
  9. ^ Destatis: Marriage, Ehescheidungen1, Germany, number. Retrieved November 9, 2018 .
  10. ^ Christian Palentien: Child and youth poverty in Germany . Verlag für Sozialwissenschaften, Wiesbaden 2004, ISBN 3-531-14385-9 , pp. 113 ( limited preview in Google Book search).
  11. ↑ Only one person lives in 41% of all households in Germany. Retrieved November 11, 2018 .
  12. ↑ Germany's single study. Retrieved November 11, 2018 .
  13. ↑ Parship study: Commuting for love - around 1.7 million Germans have a long-distance relationship. Retrieved November 14, 2018 .
  14. ↑ Stefanie Stahl: Yes and no! Recognize and overcome attachment fears . Ellert & Richter, Hamburg 2008.
  15. ↑ Steven A. Carter, Julia Sokol: Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitment Phobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart . Berkley Books, New York 1987, ISBN 0-425-11170-9 .
  16. ↑ a b c d Fear of commitment: 3 characteristics - and 8 tips on how to overcome it. Retrieved November 11, 2018 .
  17. ↑ a b Fear of close ties - their causes. Retrieved November 11, 2018 .
  18. ↑ Kim Bartholomew: Avoidance of Intimacy: An Attachment Perspective . In: Journal of Social and Personal Relationships . May 1, 1990, doi : 10.1177 / 0265407590072001 ( sagepub.com ).
  19. ↑ Antonia Bifulco, Geraldine Thomas: Understanding adult attachment in family relationships. Research, assessment and intervention . Routledge, London, New York 2013, ISBN 978-0-415-59432-5 , pp. 9 ( limited preview in Google Book search).
  20. ↑ Ngram: Fear of Commitment. Retrieved November 8, 2018 . Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine, Volume 5. Retrieved November 8, 2018 .
  21. ^ Ernst Osterkamp: Lucifer. Stations of a subject . Walter de Gruyter, Berlin / New York 1979, ISBN 3-11-007804-X , p. 214 ( limited preview in Google Book search). Sandra Scherreiks: "Finally the right one!": Discourses about masculinity and its reflection in trivial novels between 1973 and 1996 . Lit Verlag, Münster, Hamburg, London 2003, ISBN 3-8258-6952-0 , pp. 106 ( limited preview in Google Book search). Julia Drost: La Garçonne: Changes in a literary figure . Wallstein, 2003, ISBN 3-89244-681-4 , p. 138 ( limited preview in Google Book search).
  22. ↑ a b Carola Felchner: fear of commitment . Retrieved November 11, 2018 (The author is a training and nutrition expert).
  23. ↑ Attachment disorder: When the partner flees from love. Retrieved November 13, 2018 .
  24. ^ Josef Rattner: Simone de Beauvoir . In: Gerhard Danzer (ed.): Women in the patriarchal culture . Königshausen & Neumann, Würzburg 1997, ISBN 3-8260-1392-1 , p. 169–214, here: 175 ( limited preview in Google book search).
  25. ↑ Karl König: Fear and Personality. The concept of the controlling object and its applications . 6th edition. Vandenhoeck & Ruprecht, Göttingen 2000, ISBN 3-525-45656-5 , p. 152 ( limited preview in Google Book Search - first edition: 1986). Roland Mugerauer: Narcissism. An educational challenge in educational and social fields of practice . Tectum, Marburg 1994, ISBN 3-929019-64-7 , p. 19 ( limited preview in Google Book search).
  26. ↑ The lack of three Z. narcissism recognize ... Accessed on 13 November 2018 . The narcissistic personality: a primal cry for love not received. Retrieved November 13, 2018 . Love and relationships: general, phases, mirror law, attachment patterns and fears. Retrieved November 13, 2018 .
  27. ↑ a b c d Jennifer Köllen: When lovers cannot commit. In: Spiegel Online. November 7, 2013, accessed November 9, 2018 .
  28. ↑ a b Relationship anxiety: Signs & causes of attachment anxiety. Retrieved November 9, 2018 .
  29. ↑ Fear of commitment: Caution, risk of escape! Retrieved November 13, 2018 .
  30. ↑ Fear of attachment - fear of relationship. Retrieved November 13, 2018 .
  31. ↑ Help, I love you! What is fear of commitment? Retrieved November 13, 2018 .
  32. ↑ a b Inability to have a relationship: It's not Tinder. Retrieved November 13, 2018 .
  33. ↑ If your dating partner does this, you should go. Retrieved November 13, 2018 .
  34. ↑ Stefanie Stahl: Everyone is capable of relationships. The golden path between freedom and closeness . Kailash, Munich 2017, ISBN 978-3-641-20741-0 , pp. 39 ( limited preview in Google Book search).
  35. ↑ Fear of commitment in relationships - The fear of closeness. Retrieved November 13, 2018 .
  36. ↑ Eric Hegmann: What You Should Know About Active and Passive Relationship Refusers. Retrieved November 9, 2018 . Janett Menzel: The 5 Myths: REALLY understand people with relationship anxiety. Retrieved November 13, 2018 .
  37. ↑ Men Who Can't Love: Curstomer reviews. Retrieved November 13, 2018 .
  38. ↑ a b Book Review: MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE, by Steven Carter & Julia Sokol. Retrieved November 13, 2018 .
  39. ↑ Fear of commitment: When lovers cannot commit. Retrieved November 13, 2018 .
  40. ↑ Fear of commitment: Men fear for their freedom. Retrieved November 13, 2018 .
  41. ↑ Elinor Greenberg: Why Is It So Hard to Leave the Narcissist in Your Life? In: Psychology Today. January 31, 2018, accessed November 9, 2018 . Why is leaving a narcissist so hard? Retrieved November 9, 2018 .
  42. ↑ Grandiose and vulnerable narcissism: connections with self-construction and relationship characteristics. Retrieved November 25, 2018 .
  43. ↑ Some people can't commit to relationships because they have an 'avoidant' attachment style - here's what it means. Retrieved November 12, 2018 .
  44. ↑ Antonia Bifulco, Geraldine Thomas: Understanding adult attachment in family relationships. Research, assessment and intervention . Routledge, London, New York 2013, ISBN 978-0-415-59432-5 , pp. 23 ( limited preview in Google Book search). Reactive Attachment Disorder in Adults. Retrieved November 12, 2018 .
  45. ↑ Caryl E. Rusbult: A longitudinal test of the investment model: The development (and deterioration) of satisfaction and commitment in heterosexual involvements . In: Journal of Personality and Social Psychology . tape 45 , p. 101-117 .
  46. ↑ a b c Jeremy Nicholson: 3 Reasons Why We Don't Commit to Relationships. June 1, 2015, accessed November 10, 2018 .
  47. ↑ Caryl E. Rusbult: A longitudinal test of the investment model: The development (and deterioration) of satisfaction and commitment in heterosexual involvements . In: Journal of Personality and Social Psychology . tape 45 , no. 1 , 1983, p. 101–117 , doi : 10.1037 / 0022-3514.45.1.101 .
  48. ↑ Caryl E. Rusbult, John M. Martz: Remaining in to Abusive Relationship: An Investment Model Analysis of nonvoluntary Dependence . In: Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin . June 1, 1995, doi : 10.1177 / 0146167295216002 .
  49. ↑ Caryl E. Rusbult, John M. Martz: The decision to remain in a abusive relationship: An investment model analysis . 1992 (Unpublished manuscript, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill).
  50. ↑ Eva Neumann, Elke Rohmann, Hans-Werner Bierhoff: Development and validation of scales for recording avoidance and fear in partnerships . In: Diagnostica . tape 53 , 2007, p. 33-47 , doi : 10.1026 / 0012-1924.53.1.33 .
  51. ↑ Elke Rohmann, Beate Küpper, Martina Schmohr: How stable are fear of attachment and avoidance of attachment? The influence of personality and relationship changes on partner-related attachment dimensions . In: Journal of Family Research . tape 18 , no. 1 , 2006, ISSN  1437-2940 , p. 4-26 .
  52. ↑ Kelly A. Brennan, Catherine L. Clark, Phillip R. Shaver: Self-report measurement of adult attachment: An integrative overview . In: JA Simpson, WS Rholes (Ed.): Attachment theory and close relationships . Guilford Press, New York NY 1998, pp. 46-76 .
  53. ↑ Kelly A. Brennan, Phillip R. Shaver, Ann Tobey: Attachment Styles, Gender and Parental Problem Drinking . In: Journal of Social and Personal Relationships . tape 8 , no. 4 , 1991, pp. 451-466 , doi : 10.1177 / 026540759184001 .
  54. ↑ Kelly A. Brennan, Phillip R. Shaver: Dimensions of Adult Attachment, Affect Regulation, and Romantic Relationship Functioning . In: Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin . 1995, doi : 10.1177 / 0146167295213008 .