Absolute beginners

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Absolute Beginners (abbreviated as: ABs) is a term for adult men and women without any relationship experience. Relationship is to be understood as a love relationship , which is characterized by a close interpersonal relationship of trust , physical tenderness and sexual activity. In contrast to their peers, the adults affected have no, only very fragmentary or long-ago experiences with love relationships (be it with their own sex or with the opposite sex).

The term Absolute Beginners has been used in German-speaking countries since the late 1990s as a self-designation within the online community. Sometimes it is also used by the media and the social sciences.

Origin of the term

In the German language there used to be no common, short and concise term for people without sexual relationship experience. Related terms were e.g. B. " Virgo ", " old maid " and "pure youth " or " Hagestolz ", the latter three are out of date. (→ see also: " Bachelor ")

The term Absolute Beginners originated in 1998 when the first internet forum on the subject was set up. For the first time in Germany, those affected publicly discussed the reasons for their inexperience in relationships and looked for ways out of their condition.

The term Absolute Beginners comes from the founder of the first internet forum on this topic. The term was borrowed from the song of the same name by David Bowie .

Features of the AB state

A distinguishing feature is involuntary behavior, which distinguishes the appearance from asexuality , celibacy and movements like “ True Love Waits ”. Another characteristic is the fact that the person concerned suffers from his condition.

As a benchmark for the point in time from which an inexperienced person is considered an AB, the chronological age of 20 years has established itself in the forum scene.

In addition to the negative consequences of the lack of a relationship, those affected often suffer from the stress of ending the state of inexperience. This is perceived as increasingly difficult with advancing age, as the distance to the relationship experiences of peers increases. Those affected are often ashamed of the condition and hide it from their personal surroundings. Both sensations often lead to further inhibitions.

People who have already had sexual experiences but have so far remained without a relationship are also counted among the Absolute Beginners .

R. Sprenger first differentiates men with a steady relationship from male singles, then Absolute Beginners from other singles by lack of sexual experience.

organization

There is no formal organization of the Absolute Beginners , but there is a lively internet culture that interacts and communicates via forums and chats . As of 2020, there is a central forum ("AB-Treff") and a forum that is less important in terms of number of participants and activity ("Absolute Beginners: Inexperienced"), as well as a few small forums.

In some large German cities, self-help groups on the topic of Absolute Beginners have been formed, the participants of which meet on a rotating basis (once or twice a month).

Reasons for inexperience in relationships

In 2004 the first German-language book about the Absolute Beginners was published. Five books on the subject have now been published, including a diploma thesis and a dissertation.

One result of these publications is that the typical AB does not exist. The common cliché of the male AB who still lives at home with his parents at the age of 40 and thus discourages potential female partners, in reality does not apply to the majority of cases, as does that of the unrelated woman who thinks all male candidates are "not good enough" are. Likewise, the assumptions that male ABs are mainly recruited from computer scientists or that female ABs are inevitably silent and unsociable are just as untrue.

The unrelated men interviewed by Arne Hoffmann and Maja Roedenbeck were by profession a. a. Teacher, pilot, lawyer, unemployed and student, computer scientist and social worker. The unrelated women exercised the professions: educator, bank clerk, tax advisor, librarian and secretary. The variety of occupations allows the conclusion that there is no connection between occupation and involuntary lack of relationships. The inexperience in relationships is therefore not limited to members of certain social classes or social groups.

A widespread assumption is that the status as an Absolute Beginner is based on the outward appearance of the person concerned. Sex therapist Monika Büchner contradicts this explanatory approach: The vast majority of male and female ABs have an average external appearance, in some cases there are very attractive people among the ABs.

From the large number of biographies they evaluated, the authors were able to work out some recurring factors in the résumés and behavioral profile of those affected, which are to be regarded as causes of lack of relationship:

  • shyness
  • Low self-confidence, feelings of inferiority , low self-esteem - in general and in relation to the assessment of one's own attractiveness as a partner
  • Lack of the necessary social contacts to get to know potential partners and to build relationships
  • Inability to small talk and flirt
  • The inability to present oneself in an appropriate form as sexually attractive, for example due to a lack of age- or gender-specific fashion consciousness
  • Too high or unrealistic demands on a partner
  • Problematic attitudes towards physicality, love relationships and the opposite sex
  • Little pronounced gender-specific behavior
  • No or insufficient knowledge of social conventions about the initiation of love relationships, as a result of which verbal, paraverbal or non-verbal communication between potential partners or one's own chances of success are not recognized
  • Too much fear of one or too much false respect to initiate sexually intended contact
  • Long-term focus on a desired partner from the immediate environment, who in turn does not reciprocate the interest in a partnership
  • Inability to perform the behaviors necessary to build lasting relationships, e.g. B. Willingness to compromise on the wishes and views of others
  • Poor mental health such as mental illness ( depression , social phobia , Asperger's syndrome or body dysmorphic disorder )
  • Fear of closeness and intimacy, fear of commitment
  • Unhappy family situation during childhood, e.g. B. lack of tenderness, premature assumption of the adult role, the loss of the father as a male figure of identification for the son or overly sheltered growing up
  • Experience of emotional or physical abuse
  • Bullying experiences in childhood and adolescence
  • Unfavorable CVs caused by chance, especially during puberty, e.g. E.g. prolonged illness, divorce of parents, moving house, being an outsider - drastic events that prevent one from gaining first experiences with love and sex
  • Demographic imbalances (e.g. "surplus men")

In Robin Sprenger's study, the multiple causes are described as a Gordian knot. Accordingly, individual causes are not suitable to provide explanatory approaches for the entirety of those affected, but on the other hand these can be quite sufficient in individual cases.

Termination of the AB state

For Absolute Beginners there is neither an official form of therapy, nor is there a solution that leads to success for all concerned. Ultimately, the way out of AB existence must be found individually by each person affected.

Some of the strategies that have been considered helpful in retrospect by those previously affected include: a .: Establishing contact with the AB community on the Internet, confessing that you are inexperienced in relationships with people you trust and obtaining specific advice, changing your personal environment by changing your place of residence or occupation, increasing your own well-being, e.g. B. through style advice, travel companies, trials of new leisure activities, or the use of psychotherapeutic help.

Individual experience reports from forums and books show that Absolute Beginners can have relationship experiences and enter into partnerships even at an advanced age.

The phenomenon outside of Germany

The discussion of inexperience in relationships is not limited to the German-speaking area. In English-speaking countries, the phenomenon is known as love-shyness . In French-speaking countries, people speak of Virginité tardive or Timidité amoureuse (as a translation of the English term love-shyness ). In these countries there has been a media reception and scientific research on the topic and there are internet forums for those affected.

Differentiation from Involuntary Celibacy

The term Incel as a short form of Involuntary Celibate (involuntarily celibate person) originally meant the same thing as Absolute Beginners. In the meantime, however, it has developed into the self-designation of a subculture of predominantly heterosexual men in the USA who, unlike the Absolute Beginners, have very decisive, relatively uniform explanations for their status. The Incels believe that they are deliberately rejected by women and consider themselves deprived of their right to love and sexuality, which they found to be existent. In extreme cases, some Incels openly condone violence against women and sexually active men for this reason .

See also

literature

Generally understandable representations:

  • Monika Büchner: It's never too late for love: Absolute beginners - if you still have the first time ahead of you . J. Kamphausen, Bielefeld 2016, ISBN 978-3958830929 .
  • Maja Roedenbeck: And who kisses me? Absolute Beginners - When love is a long time coming . Ch. Links Verlag, Berlin 2012, ISBN 3-86153-688-9 .
  • Arne Hoffmann : Untouched. People without relationship experience - ways to fulfilled love and sexuality . Kreuz Verlag, Stuttgart 2006, ISBN 3-7831-2705-X .

Scientific literature:

  • Robin Sprenger: Male Absolute Beginners. A communication science approach to explain the lack of a partner . Springer VS, Wiesbaden 2014, ISBN 978-3-658-05923-1 .
  • Olaf Wickenhöfer: Involuntarily single. A study on the history of socialization and everyday cultural practice . Tectum Verlag, Marburg 2004, ISBN 3-8288-8693-0 .

Media reception

Web links

Individual evidence

  1. ↑ Compare the press articles under web links .
  2. ↑ Sprenger: Male Absolute Beginners. A communication science approach to explain the lack of a partner. Wiesbaden 2014.
  3. ↑ Maja Roedenbeck: And who kisses me? Absolute Beginners - When love is a long time coming . Berlin 2012, p. 41.
  4. ↑ Maja Roedenbeck: And who kisses me? Absolute Beginners - When love is a long time coming . Berlin 2012, p. 15.
  5. ↑ Maja Roedenbeck: And who kisses me? Absolute Beginners - When love is a long time coming . Berlin 2012, p. 54.
  6. ↑ Maja Roedenbeck: And who kisses me? Absolute Beginners - When love is a long time coming . Berlin 2012, pp. 29–30, p. 86, p. 108.
  7. ↑ Robin Spenger: Male Absolute Beginners. A communication science approach to explain the lack of a partner . Springer VS, Wiesbaden 2014, p. 29-35 .
  8. ↑ See the books listed under literature .
  9. ↑ Maja Roedenbeck: And who kisses me? Absolute Beginners - When love is a long time coming . Berlin 2012, p. 47.
  10. ↑ a b c Maja Roedenbeck: And who kisses me? Absolute Beginners - When love is a long time coming . Berlin 2012, p. 48.
  11. ↑ Arne Hoffmann in: Life without Sex: Self-Help for Adult Virgins , in: Spiegel Online from August 10, 2008.
  12. ↑ Arne Hoffmann in: Life without Sex: Self-Help for Adult Virgins , in: Spiegel Online from August 10, 2008.
  13. ↑ Monika Büchner: It's never too late for love: Absolute beginners - if you still have the first time ahead of you . J. Kamphausen, Bielefeld 2016, p. 30, p. 47.
  14. ↑ Hoffmann, p. 186; Roedenbeck, p. 139; Sprenger p. 211; Büchner, p. 43 - In the list, the publications used are cited for the sake of clarity only with the names of the authors and the number of pages. For the complete title information see under literature .
  15. ↑ Wickenhöfer, p. 42; Hoffmann, pp. 135, p. 187, p. 222; Sprenger, p. 211; Büchner, p. 43.
  16. ↑ Wickenhöfer, pp. 58-60; Hoffmann, p. 223.
  17. ↑ Wickenhöfer, pp. 61–64; Hoffmann, p. 222; Sprenger, pp. 301-303.
  18. ↑ a b c d e Hoffmann, p. 222.
  19. ↑ Wickenhöfer, p. 71; Hoffmann, p. 223; Roedenbeck, p. 49; Büchner, p. 45.
  20. ↑ Wickenhöfer, p. 39; Büchner, p. 41.
  21. ↑ Hoffmann, p. 222; Roedenbeck, pp. 175-176.
  22. ↑ Wickenhöfer, p. 63; Hoffmann, pp. 140-141.
  23. ↑ Hoffmann, p. 223; Roedenbeck, p. 176.
  24. ↑ Roedenbeck, p. 29.
  25. ↑ Wickenhöfer, pp. 37-40; Hoffmann, p. 217.
  26. ↑ Büchner, pp. 41–42.
  27. ↑ Hoffmann, pp. 149-150, p. 163, p. 217; Roedenbeck, p. 51.
  28. ↑ Wickenhöfer, pp. 44–49; Hoffmann, p. 217; Roedenbeck, pp. 50-51.
  29. ↑ Sprenger, p. 72 ff.
  30. Jump up ↑ The Marriage Market and Marriage Squeeze. Analyzes on the change of marriage opportunities in the Federal Republic . University of Heidelberg. Retrieved September 1, 2014.
  31. ↑ Robin Sprenger: Male Absolute Beginners. A communication science approach to explain the lack of a partner . Wiesbaden 2014, p. 115.
  32. ↑ Hoffmann, pp. 141-142, p. 228; Roedenbeck, pp. 154-156.
  33. ↑ Hoffmann pp. 140-141, p. 166; Roedenbeck, pp. 151-154.
  34. ↑ Hoffmann, pp. 174-175; Roedenbeck, p. 161
  35. ↑ Hoffmann, pp. 174-175, 228-230; Roedenbeck, pp. 161-162.
  36. ↑ Hoffmann, p. 175, pp. 227-228; Roedenbeck, pp. 112-113, pp. 176-177.
  37. ↑ Cf. Arne Hoffmann: Untouched. People without relationship experience - ways to fulfilled love and sexuality . Stuttgart 2006, p. 134, p. 142; Maja Roedenbeck: And who kisses me? Absolute Beginners - When love is a long time coming . Berlin 2012, pp. 112–118, pp. 170–180; Monika Büchner: It's never too late for love: Absolute beginners - if you still have the first time ahead of you . J. Kamphausen, Bielefeld 2016, pp. 199–245.
  38. ↑ Takis Würger: Male, single, life-threatening. In: Der Spiegel . No. 34 , 2014, p. 50-54 ( online ).
  39. ↑ Urban Dictionary: Incel , accessed on September 16, 2014.
  40. ↑ Love Alien - 30, male, not kissed, documentary by the Bavarian Radio ( Memento from December 15, 2013 in the Internet Archive )