Bill Simmons
Bill Simmons (born 1969), best known as The Sports Guy, is a columnist for Page2 on ESPN.com and ESPN The Magazine.
His ESPN.com column is notable for being written from the viewpoint of a Boston fan rather than an impartial journalist. Simmons often uses extended analogies and references to pop culture (especially from the 1980s and 1990s) in his columns. A native New Englander, Simmons is noted for his passionate support of many New England teams, as well as his strong opposition to many of his favorite teams' rivals.
He moved to Los Angeles at the end of 2002, and was a Los Angeles Clippers season ticket holder for the 2005-06 and 2006-07 seasons.
Simmons currently hosts his own Podcast on ESPN.com and iTunes titled "The B.S. Report". When he began his podcast on May 8, 2007, until June 14, it was called "Eye of the Sports Guy".
Rooting interests
A native New Englander, Simmons is a passionate fan of the Boston Red Sox, New England Patriots, Holy Cross Crusaders (his alma mater), and Boston Celtics. He was a longtime fan of the Boston Bruins and the NHL, but claims that their poor management led to his completely losing interest in them.[1] Simmons's interest in soccer was piqued by the 2006 FIFA World Cup. He subsequently wrote a column detailing his efforts to choose an English Premier League team to follow, eventually selecting Tottenham Hotspur.[2] Since his column discussing the selection process, he hasn't written any stories on the team or the EPL season. He also passionately roots against certain teams, specifically the New York Yankees, Boston College Eagles, Indianapolis Colts, and Los Angeles Lakers.
Style
Simmons's writing is characterized by references to movies, television shows such as The Sopranos, Beverly Hills 90210 and Entourage, his disdain for the WNBA, male insecurities, and anxiety about the emasculating effects of wives and girlfriends.
Simmons frequently mentions friends and family in his column, and trips to Las Vegas or other gambling venues with his friends. He frequently writes about his gambling, whether it's at the blackjack table or his many parlays during football season. On Fridays during the NFL season, he makes picks for every game.
Simmons will also discuss movies (most notably, Hoosiers, The Godfather, Teen Wolf, The Shawshank Redemption, Boogie Nights, the Rocky series, and The Karate Kid), favorite TV shows of the past and present, his many fantasy sports teams, memories regarding professional wrestling (mainly with the WWF/E), video games and even throwing in a few references to adult video. One of his ongoing projects is "The Best 72 Sports Movies of the last 33 Years", which he updates in no particular order. He has named eight of seventy-two movies and has not written a column for this project since November 28, 2005 "Karate Kid".
He also occasionally writes columns answering readers' e-mails. He almost always ends these columns with a strange email, followed by the statement "Yup, these are my readers."
One of his more popular columns is his annual Draft Diary, where he discusses watching the NBA Draft, usually with his father, and mocks various aspects of it. He has recently admitted that his most recent diary was his worst and would like a mulligan.
Simmons has attended several Super Bowls since being hired by ESPN and has admitted to disliking Jacksonville and Houston, citing them as inadequate locales for the event.
Controversy
Simmons is an avid NBA fan and is quick to express his opinions over who's doing a good job and who's not. He has heavily criticized Celtics General Manager Danny Ainge and head coach Doc Rivers, Los Angeles Clippers general manager Elgin Baylor (who once called Simmons an "asshole"), and especially New York Knicks coach and general manager Isiah Thomas. This led to Thomas threatening Simmons on Stephen A. Smith's radio show in early 2006, saying, "If I see this guy Bill Simmons, oh, it's gonna be a problem with me and him." In a column[1] posted on ESPN.com on July 19, 2007 Simmons stated that he and Thomas had a half-hour long chat, facilitated by sports announcer Gus Johnson, about Simmons's criticisms of Thomas, and that Thomas remained civil and cordial throughout.
Simmons and Red Sox announcer Jerry Remy feuded over the presidency of Red Sox Nation. The Red Sox asked Simmons to run for the ceremonial position and he accepted. In a candidate's memo, Simmons remarked that he was a better choice than Remy because he is not a smoker. Remy criticized Simmons for about five minutes during the July 16, 2007 broadcast of the Red Sox - Royals game. [2]
Memes
Simmons responds to issues in the sports world in a unique way, usually putting a different, funny, and unique spin on events, ideas, and theories. He uses such terms so frequently that ESPN.com has a glossary of Simmons conventions, with links to articles in which they were used.
Ewing Theory
One of Simmons's most used Internet memes, has been the Ewing Theory[3], the brainchild of reader Dave Cirilli and named after Patrick Ewing of the New York Knicks. Ewing's teams, both in college at Georgetown and in New York, seemed to play better when he was hurt or in foul trouble. In 1998-99, the Knicks made the NBA Finals after Ewing sustained an Achilles' tendon injury. The Ewing Theory claims that when a longtime superstar who has never won a championship leaves the team via injury, trade or free agency, and the media writes the team off, the team will play better. Other examples noted by Simmons include:
- The 1994-95 UConn Huskies men's basketball team, who at one point were ranked No. 1 in the country a year after Donyell Marshall left for the NBA.
- The 2004 Boston Red Sox, who traded Nomar Garciaparra mid-season and went on to win their first World Series in 86 years.
- The 1972 Los Angeles Lakers, who won a championship the year Elgin Baylor, who was 0-for-8 in the Finals, retired after nine games (they also won a record 33 consecutive games starting the day after his retirement).
- The 2001 New England Patriots, who won Super Bowl XXXVI after an injury to Drew Bledsoe forced Tom Brady into the starting quarterback's role.
- In professional wrestling, when Bret Hart left the then-WWF after the Montreal Screwjob in 1997, the WWF went on to have record-setting success.
- In an article previewing the 2007 NFL season, Simmons predicted the Atlanta Falcons to exhibit a good season after the loss of Michael Vick, as Joey Harrington, or John Joseph Harrington as he will hence forth be referred to by Simmon/Simmons readers, is a more consistent quarterback. However, The Falcons proceeded to get blown out 24-3 against a mediocre Minnesota Vikings team in the opening week.
- In Beverly Hills 90210, when Shannen Doherty was replaced by Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, whose character in the series was perceived as much stronger than Doherty's.
- The 2007-2008 Arsenal side, which sold Thierry Henry in the summer and yet started the season brilliantly, even when the media had written them off.
Link: http://proxy.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?id=1193711
Levels of Losing
Another recurring Simmons topic is the 13 Levels of Losing, where he defines, describes and ranks the most painful ways for a sports team to lose, such as the "Stomach Punch" (a game that ends with an opponent making an improbable and game-winning play; the Music City Miracle being a good example), or the "Guillotine" (when your team is hanging tough, but somehow you just know they will fail in the clutch). Not surprisingly, given Simmons' background, he ranks Game 6 of the 1986 World Series as the most painful defeat in sports history.
Recently Simmons revised and updated the list to have 16 levels.
Common Sayings
Additional Simmons running conventions include referring to players who are no longer effective as having "a giant salad fork sticking out of their back", the Vengeance Scale, the "Juvenation Machine" (used to describe an athlete or team having a strong comeback year), a cocaine heartbeat (usually referring to trades that should be immediately made) or "I will now light myself on fire" (catchphrases he uses whenever forced to admit an unpleasant truth, such as his 2006 acknowledgment of Kobe Bryant as the player most deserving of the 2006 NBA MVP award).
VP of Common Sense
Simmons recently made the semi-serious suggestion that sports teams should hire a Vice President of Common Sense who would be an average fan essentially taken off the street and given no behind-the-scenes knowledge. This official would be called in to assess important transactions; his reaction would be a gauge to help the team notice obviously poor decisions arising from such problems as bureaucracy, groupthink and hype. By way of introduction to the concept, Simmons said that the VP of Common Sense would have selected Reggie Bush over Mario Williams in the 2006 NFL Draft.
Reggie Cleveland All-Stars
Simmons also created the "Reggie Cleveland All-Stars", a list of sports figures whose names would seem to indicate that they are of a different race or ethnicity than they actually are. (The namesake is Reggie Cleveland, a white former pitcher with a "black-sounding" name.)
Simmons officially designated the following players as All-Stars:
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It is not clear whether Simmons realizes Grady Sizemore is half-black and half-white. Many others have been nominated on various websites. He also noted in his 2006 NBA Draft diary that Patrick O'Bryant, a first round pick of the Golden State Warriors, was a "mortal lock" to be named to the All-Star team.
In a recent column Bill mentioned that he wanted to name his second child "Nate" so he could create his own Reggie Cleveland All-Star from scratch named Nate Simmons. He said he sounds like a wide receiver/kick returner on the Arizona Cardinals but unfortunately, his wife shot the idea down, briskly.
The Tyson Zone
A more recent Simmons meme is the so-called "Tyson Zone," named in honor of boxer Mike Tyson. The Tyson Zone is the status an athlete or celebrity reaches when his or her behavior becomes so outrageous that one would believe any story or anecdote about the person, no matter how shocking or bizarre. [3] [4] For instance, if one would not be surprised to hear reports that a particular athlete agreed to fight a caged lion for a sum of money or started a career of breeding unicorns, that athlete has entered The Tyson Zone.
People who Simmons has officially listed as Tyson Zone members include:
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Simmons has stated that Ben Roethlisberger secretly entered the Tyson Zone during the summer of 2006 after news of his motorcycle accident and a later incident involving a burst appendix, for which he was rushed to the hospital. Roethlisberger's membership indicates that inclusion in the Tyson Zone is not limited to those whose behavior is outlandish, but encompasses also those who have a knack for falling victim to unfortunate yet exceedingly bizarre events.
The term may also be used in adjective form as the word "Tysonic."
Diane Lane All-Stars
Simmons has also referred to celebrities who belong on the Diane Lane All Star Team, meaning older (over 40), attractive female celebs. "Members" of this All Star team include:
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Simmons has also noted that Kelly Ripa will join the list as soon as she turns 40. He compares Maria Bello's fortieth birthday to the day when Jack Nicklaus joined the Senior Tour when he turned 50 -- nobody else has a chance for 3-4 years, making Diane Lane the ceremonial Arnold Palmer-type figure.
Sneaky Hot Hall of Fame
First referenced in a 2007 column [5] the Simmons described Jamie-Lynn Sigler as "one of those celebs who is prettier in person than on TV", and started the "Sneaky Hot Hall of Fame":
The Lindsey Hunter All Stars
In his August 10, 2007 mailbag, Simmons, with a reader's help, added a new category "The Lindsey Hunter All Stars", a list of male athletes with names that make them sound like a hot girl.
Simmons has the following players as All-Stars:
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Gambling
Simmons makes gambling references in nearly every article. He typically prefaces gambling remarks with the statement, "if gambling were legal".
Manning Face
The Manning face is a known facial expression displaying a mix of frustration and disgust. It is most often displayed by NFL quarterback Peyton Manning and his younger brother, Eli. [4]
Although the expression was named for the Manning brothers, the term has become synonymous with other professional sports players and coaches, including New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin.[citation needed] It was coined by Simmons in a 2005 column[5], and was later defined by Malcolm Gladwell as "the look of someone who has just faced up to a sobering fact: I am in complete control of this offense. I prepare for games like no other quarterback in the NFL. I am in the best shape of my life. I have done everything I can to succeed -- and I'm losing. Ohmigod. I'm not that good." [6]
I'm Keith Hernandez
When a person seems to do something completely off the wall and/or completely outrageous for no other reason then they are famous and feel they can get away with it or not face repercussions from it, Simmons will say they are having an "I'm Keith Hernandez Moment". The reference comes from the famous Seinfeld episode where Keith Hernandez, on a date with Elaine, tries to convince himself to kiss Elaine by reciting (in his head), "Wait a second - I'm Keith Hernandez!" The most commonly used example of an athlete in an "I'm Keith Hernandez" Moment is Reggie Bush's ill-advised lateral against Texas in the 2006 Rose Bowl.
Second Book
Simmons announced that he will be writing a second book during the summer of 2007. The Isiah Thomas/Gus Johnson Las Vegas meeting will be covered in the book. Book announcements
References
- ^ Simmons, Bill (2001-10-26). "So long, hockey; Allison deal is last straw". ESPN.com. ESPN Internet Ventures. Retrieved 2007-03-28.
- ^ Simmons, Bill (2006-07-19). "And my team is ..." ESPN.com. ESPN Internet Ventures. Retrieved 2007-03-28.
- ^ Ewing Theory 101 http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/print?id=1193711
- ^ Gallo, DJ. [ http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=gallo/060116 Hey Peyton, need some help?]. ESPN Page 2, January 16, 2006.
- ^ Simmons, Bill. [ http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/blog/index?entryDate=20050809&name=simmons More Cowbell: Book Club]. ESPN Page 2, August 9, 2005.
- ^ Hoffman, Dave. [ http://www.concurringopinions.com/archives/2006/03/simmonsgladwell.html Simmons-Gladwell Chat]. Concurring Opinions, March 11, 2006.